


Crazy Crazy Crazy!

by FanFicReader01



Series: Crazyverse [1]
Category: Poets of the Fall
Genre: Abuse, Body Horror, Humiliation, Mental Abuse, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Pain, Sad, Sadness, Sickness, Suffering, Torture, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, Violence, craziness, everybody deserves better, everyone deserves better in this story really, tragic backstory x 6, we're on another feel trip folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-03 20:04:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 33,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11539464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFicReader01/pseuds/FanFicReader01
Summary: "Who gives about us?We, misformed folks? We were monsters to them. That's why we got punished. That's why we had to suffer. We had to know we were nothing more than a piece of meat."





	1. Prologue

It’s been two weeks already. Two weeks since I’ve been feeling sick as hell.

 My condition has only worsened.

I’ve been growing these strange scaly macules and papules. It’s like I’m growing fungi all over my body. Luckily for me, they’re more annoying than very painful. But the scales on my back make it difficult for me to sleep properly. Fortunately has the coughing up blood and bile decreased.

 I’m sleeping in the small storage closet of our little house. My parents don’t know if my disease is contagious so they’ve locked me up just to be sure.

 They can’t pay for any treatment. Heck, they hardly have the money to keep this family of seven alive without a sick person in their midst.

 

My mother cries a lot. My brothers and sisters don’t dare to look at me. They probably think of me as a monster right now. Only sometimes they show a sign of compassion or pity.

My father is the most harsh on me. I heard him rumour once about dumping me on the streets.

 ‘He’s only a liability now, Magda!’, my father grumbles.

‘But Phil, he is our son!’, my mother weeps.

  ‘We can hardly get by without having to care for a sick one!’

‘There must be a way’, my mother then counters.

 ‘Look around you, Magda. We’re already living in the slums! No one is going to help us! Besides, do you have a solution, huh? Because I’d like to hear it!’

 Such conversations end in a painful silence.

I, myself, also think there is no cure for me. Maybe my father is right: maybe they _should_ just dump me.

 

\--

 

It’s past midnight when I hear noises in the house. Unfamiliar voices. People are whispering.

I hear footsteps approach my door.

 ‘Is he in here?’, the voice of a grumpy man is heard.

‘Yes. Please, wear masks. We don’t know how contagious it might be’, it’s my father speaking now.

Soon the door gets opened and my bloodshot eyes get blinded by a sharp flashlight.

A sturdy looking man accompanied by a slender guy is standing in front of me. Both wear masks and gloves to protect themselves.

 ‘You can walk?’, the taller man asks. I only nod confused.

‘Mom? Dad?’, I try to look for my parents. My mother avoids my gaze. Father looks judging.

 ‘It will be alright, Jari’, he grunts.

‘You’re coming with us, kid’, the slender man hisses.

 

I literally get dragged out of the house, screaming. I don’t want to be taken away.

 ‘No! Help me!’, I scream and I kick the tall man’s legs but he resists.

‘Shut up or you’ll wake your brothers and sisters!’, he snaps at me but I keep kicking.

 ‘You do know your parents sold you? We paid them some good money’, the smaller man whispers against my ear.

The fact shuts me up immediately. My parents, they got rid of me by selling me to these crazy men.

 As if stunned, I get hauled into a carriage.

When I look through the window I see my mother in the door opening. Tears fill her eyes and she waves at me.

 ‘I love you, Jari and I am sorry’, she wails. I lost my ability to speak. I just stare at her.

Now my father appears at the window. ‘Don’t worry, my son. You’re going to help _us_ by going with _them._ They’ll send us money every month. This really is the only way, Jari. Be strong’, then he walks away. The carriage starts to move and I see how the slums start to disappear in the distance.

 That’s when I start to realize I’ll probably never see my family again.

Tears start to roll down my filthy  cheeks.

 

\--

 

Days go by and I wonder how long it’s been already.

I get three meals a day. I’m surprised because at home, I hardly got food at all. During the trip I ask the slender guy where we’re going but he remains silent.

 ‘Eat’, he grunts.

The food looks more like vomit and I hesitate. When I refuse, he angrily throws the food in my face. After that, I decide to obediently eat everything even though the food tastes like dog shit.

 

‘How long will it take?’, I carefully ask one day.

‘We’re starting our second week. After that, we’ll reach our destination’, the small man replies.

 

The rest of the week seems so long and painful. The scales on my back, my hands and feet have evolved and multiplied.

 I can hardly walk anymore.

‘Once we’re there, we’ll have a doctor remove some of those things’, the tall guard mutters as he inspects me one day.

 ‘Get out. It’s time to wash. You must be presentable for our Director.’

‘Are we almost there then?’, I ask.

 ‘Yes.’

Without asking, the taller guard cuts through my shirt and throws the torn cloth away. We’re in a new city and I see some people look at me in disgust. Kids scream or cry and run away. It hurts me.

 ‘You’ll have to get used to that’, the slender guard chuckles.

He uses a rough sponge to clean me with cold water. After it’s done, I get pushed in the carriage again. They don’t give me a new shirt.

 During the night, I start to cry again. I feel so lonely. I want to go home.

 

\--

 

‘We’re here’, the robust guard says as he drags me out of the carriage. It’s already night but I’m used to the darkness around me so it’s easy for me to take in my surroundings.

In front of me, towering tents arise. They look very imposing and threatening in the dark.

 ‘Time to meet the Director’, the slim man murmurs.

‘That’s right. And remember: _we_ do the talking for you. So, no questions and no answering. Just keep your mouth shut’, the tall guard commands and I decide to obey.

 The guard strive forwards with me firmly pressed between them.

 

 


	2. Welcome to the Circus!

The guards and I enter a well-lit tent. Inside, the place looks even bigger than the outside.

In the centre of tent is an office desk. Behind it sits a stoic man. I get put in a chair in front of him.

 The Director seems to be a rich snob. He gives me a judging look as he scrutinizes my body. He mutters something and then makes eye-contact with my two guards.

 ‘This is Jari. He’s around seventeen- eighteen years old. Has this strange condition you’ll only see once in a lifetime!’

 ‘Great. We need people like him. Is it contagious, though?’

‘As far as we know, it’s not. We’ve travelled with him two weeks without a lot of protection and we don’t show signs of being infected.’

 ‘Good, good’, the Director mutters and finally he stares at me. His pale blue eyes pierce through me like knives. I hiss nervously but keep my eyes locked on him. I even grit my teeth.

 ‘Looks like you have something to say’, the man in front of me notices.

When no one seems to silence me, I dare to speak up.

 ‘When will my parents get the promised money?’

Now the adults around me start to laugh out loud like I just told them a joke.

 ‘Ho, ho! Not so fast, young man! First we need to see how well you perform before we can talk about such _trivial_ things! You also need to go to the doctor to predict your viability!’, the Director chuckles.

 Then he waves his hand.

‘Now take him away and give him a quick tour around the circus, Joe!’

 

The guards want to leave but get stopped when someone else enters the tent.

 ‘Father, I-’, the young man stops midsentence when he spots me. Pale blue eyes meet my own brown, bloodshot eyes. Yet, these eyes aren’t as piercing as the Director’s.

Blond locks of hair frame his face. I deem him to be a little bit older than me.

‘Ah, my son! Now that you’re here, would you like to introduce Jari to our _wonderful_ circus? I’m sure he’ll appreciate a companion more his age!’, the Director exclaims excited, ignoring his son’s intention of coming here in the first place.

 The son reluctantly nods and gives me a look.

The guards then protest: ‘What if he will attack him?’

 ‘He won’t. Or will you, Jari?’ the Director’s intense eyes penetrate my soul. I gulp and quickly shake my head.

 ‘Besides, his hands are chained and with feet like those, he won’t run very far’, the Director adds before dismissing all of us.

 

Before we get to leave the tent, the tall guard puts a collar with a leash around my neck.

The Director’s son looks doubtful but eventually takes the leash in his hand and pulls me out of the tent.

Once we’re alone outside, his grip around the leash loosens and I can breathe easily again.

 ‘I’m sorry for the collar and everything. Anyway, my name is Olli. I don’t think you’re pleased to meet me but you have to bear with me. I might be your only friend here.’

 I don’t know what to reply but the latter thing he says, worries me. A lot. Are all other people in this circus hostile?

Olli observes me and I guess he must think I’m disgusting.

It looks like he can read my mind when he says: ‘Look, I’m not afraid of you nor do I think your “condition” is contagious. I just feel… so bad for you and everyone here.’ I wonder if he says that to win my trust so I try to stay cautious. He is, after all, the son of the creepy Director.

The young man has now silenced himself and starts walking.

 

He shows me the barracks of the “normal” people. We walk passed the “special” cages with blankets over them. Even Olli doesn’t know what’s inside.

He takes me to the training area and the perform ring. He doesn’t talk much and what he says, is very  superficial.

But he _does_ apologize _a lot_. He doesn’t clarify for what and that makes me afraid.

 

Finally we arrive at the barracks of the “performers”.

Before we enter, Olli apologizes again.

 ‘How can you be sorry? You’re living the rich life here’, I snort.

‘Just because I’m the Director’s son, doesn’t mean I enjoy what’s happening here! I’m _not_ like my father. I’d rather run away but I can’t. My father keeps me here, says I need to look after the circus when he dies.’

 ‘So you just go along with it like a coward? I bet you can easily run off with some of his money’, I smirk unashamed. I feel like I don’t have to be afraid of Olli so I dare to speak my mind.

‘No, I- Yes. But what am I supposed to do? Believe it or not, _some_ people need me here. Some of the performers.’

I don’t know what to make out of the latter thing.

Then Olli adds: ‘Anyway, this circus? It’s basically a freak show. But I’m not allowed to talk too much about it. You’ll find the answers soon enough.’

 He takes out the key of the barracks.

‘How old are you by the way?’, I want to know.

‘Twenty-four but I feel older somehow. Perhaps because of what I’ve seen but that doesn’t matter now’, comes Olli’s sighing reply. ‘Once you’re inside, you’re not going to like it but I want you to stay strong. Please, Jari, try to stay strong. I believe in you.’

 ‘Why, Olli?’, it almost sounds desperate.

‘Because I always feel sorry for those who get here. You probably won’t believe me but it’s true, I really do. I always hope the best for you newcomers. Anyway, Jari, you seem strong. You already survived your trip to the circus with John and Joe as your guards’, Olli slightly chuckles.

 He turns the key.

‘You ready?’

‘I hope so.’


	3. A new life

The sound of crying and some shouting people frightens me. I wonder if being in prison must feel the same way.

‘Hey, Olli! You got a new victim with you? Haha!’

I see the Director’s son flinch when some inmates use some explicit words against him.

‘I bet he doesn’t survive this night!’

‘I bet a week!’

 ‘He looks like a total loser!’

 

I try to ignore the gazes of the strangers hidden in the shadows. I feel like a fragile prey among hungry lions who are ready to devour me alive.

When I give Olli a side-glance, I see him gulp. He’s afraid too, I think.

 ‘I trust you won’t escape or attack me when I get you out of those shackles?’, Olli mutters when he stands still by one of the cells. He looks for my eyes and I nod.

Some inmates encourage me to escape but I don’t. I believe it would only get me (and Olli probably too) in more trouble and that’s the last thing I want.

 ‘Good luck’, he whispers. He then opens the cell and carefully pushes me inside. The way he does it, makes me think he really doesn’t want to use violence.

Then Olli almost sprints off, accompanied by the yelling of some inmates. The lights go out and I’m left in complete darkness. My whole body is trembling.

 I feel the presence of someone or _something_ looming in the dark corner of my prison cell.

Sweat forms on my brow and my heart starts to beat faster and faster.

 

‘So you’re the new kid’ a voice mutters. I almost jump in the air in shock. There’s a slight chuckle. I block the noise around me and focus on the voice coming from the shadowy corner of my cell. It’s larger than I expected it to be.

  ‘Please, come closer. Don’t be afraid, I won’t bite’, the voice murmurs amused.

Step for step I approach the corner. When my eyes get used to the blackness, I spot a man sitting on the floor.

 At first glance, the man looks normal but when I observe him closer, I gasp.

Scars cover his whole body. It looks like he’s made of different pieces of skin, all stitched together in a messy “patchwork”. It looks bizarre yet I can’t look away.

 I collapse on the ground and stammer meaningless words.

‘Looks l- like some- someone doesn’t l- like you, M- Markus!’, a sharp voice hisses. In a reflex I crawl closer to the bars of the adjacent cell so there’s some distance between me and the patchwork man.

 I scream when I feel someone from the other cell trying to grab my shoulders.

I manage to turn around and get face to face with another inmate. He’s bald except for the wild hair on top of his head. His grin is toothy. He has sharp, predator like teeth but he misses some of them.

 ‘Gotcha’, the man cackles loudly.

‘Let go off him, Jani!’, Patchwork now barks and the man behind the other bars quickly retreats. He disappears in the shadows and isn’t heard anymore.

 I assume Patchwork must have some kind of authority over that guy.

 

After I’ve calmed down a bit, I manage to block out most of the noises coming from the other cells.

Instead, I focus on Patchwork who wants to start a conversation with me.

 ‘I’m sorry about Jani. He is a bit… special. But once he gets to know you, he’ll be nicer. I promise. Otherwise, I’ll make him’, Patchwork grins.

He gestures me to sit next to him. ‘If that’s comfortable?’, he notices my body. I nod.

 ‘It’s fine’, I murmur.

‘First of all, I’m sorry you have to be here, kid. Second, what’s your name? My name is Markus but Jani already spoiled it’, he snickers.

‘Jari. My name’s Jari.’

 ‘Good, Jari. How are you feeling? It must’ve been a tough travel from where you come from. Also, it must be a lot to process, huh?’

I nod and try to answer but instead tears start to form in my eyes. I try to ignore the mocking tones from other people.

 Markus then carefully wraps his arms around me. He is _hugging_ me. We barely know each other but he does this kind thing for me. I must trust him, I think.

 

We talk about my strange condition.

‘There are some doctors around. They’ll check you tomorrow morning. Maybe they can partly stop the growth before it becomes too much’, Markus reassures me.

 ‘Would they really do that? From what I’ve understood, I’m just a walking freak show’, I exclaim.

‘We’re _all_ freaks here. But believe it or not, they don’t want us to die. So they keep us alive even if it actually means _just a little_ bit alive.’

Again I feel tears coming up. Patchwork rubs my shoulders in a soothing gesture.

‘Don’t cry, Jari. Please. You’ll get used to this place eventually. Now try to sleep a little. Ignore the noises of the other circus members. Tomorrow, I’ll explain more’, Patchwork gives me a warm smile and I try to smile back.

 

 I look around in the cell and notice another tall man laying there.

‘Don’t mind him and don’t wake him up. Guy had a tough day’, Markus informs me.

I’m about to sleep on the floor but Markus offers me his blanket.

‘It will be a bit softer for you’, he nods.

‘Nah, keep it. I’m used to sleeping on a hard floor with no blankets at all. At home, that was’, I kindly refuse but Markus insists.

 ‘I always offer newbies my blanket. Especially during their first nights here. Afterwards, they’re all grateful I did so’, the bald man winks and reluctantly I accept the blanket.                                          

 Markus’ eyes now stare into mine.

I shouldn’t be surprised by their gentleness and warmth, but I am. For a mere second it makes me forget I’m basically in a prison.

 ‘Good night, Jari.’


	4. Unfriendly meeting

The next morning we get waken by the noise of an alarm. My back aches when I get up. I immediately look for Patchwork.

He has his back turned to me and is kneeling over someone else. Then I remember the other man of this cell.

 I carefully inch closer to the two taller men.

‘Pst! Wake up, please’, Markus mutters to the other man. He then senses my presence and quickly looks at me.

 ‘How _are_ you feeling today, Jari?’, he wants to know.

‘Tired but the blanket kept me a little warm. Thank you’, I reply. Then I try to look behind Markus’ body.

 ‘That’s Jaska. He broke his leg yesterday’, Markus focuses back on the other inmate. ‘Please stay back. I don’t think he’s fond of newcomers.’

 So I decide to keep my distance.

‘What am I supposed to do now?’, I ask unsure.

 ‘They’ll come over sixty minutes to lead small groups of people to the breakfast area and-’, Markus’ answer gets cut off by the other cellmate’s voice.

 ‘Mar- Markus?’

‘Oh god, Jaska! Thank god, you’re still alive!’, the patchwork guy now faces the other tall man.

He kneels down by him and I get to catch a glimpse of the stranger.

I’m shocked by this cellmate’s appearance as well. His whole body seems to be covered in thick hair. It’s almost like the fur of an animal. The tall man sits up and we make eye-contact. ‘Who the fuck is that abomination?’, he growls.

 ‘Don’t be so harsh on the newbie. By the way, he probably also thinks you look strange too’, Markus comments.

 ‘Oh really? You think _I_ am the funny looking dude, mushroom head?, he barks at me and I cower.

‘N- no. I don’t think th- that’, I stutter.

Jaska huffs: ‘If it wasn’t for my leg, I’d give you a slap.’

 ‘Jaska, you bloody idiot!’, Markus scoffs at the taller man and punches him on the head. Now he faces me and apologizes: ‘I should’ve said that differently, huh? Anyway, this is Jaska. Nickname: The wolfman for obvious reasons. Jaska, this is Jari. He doesn’t have a nickname yet.’

 The hairy guy laughs: ‘I call him Mushroom Head from now on!’

 

‘You need to go to the doctor with that leg’, the bald man insists but the other man refuses.

‘I’d rather die in my cell than perform again for that mindless crowd you call an audience’, he gnarls. Then his angry eyes find mine again.

 ‘What the fuck you looking at? Go have breakfast or something!’

I want to say they haven’t called me yet but I remain silent for my own safety.

 ‘I’m just worried about you’, I mutter. My concern is actually genuine.

‘Huh? Can’t hear you if you’re so silent’, Jaska shouts out.

 ‘I’m worried about that leg of yours. May I know what happened?’, I raise my voice.

‘He fe- fell from the tra- trapeze’, an unpleasant but familiar voice stutters. Now that the lights (be it not very sharp) are back on, I spot the third inmate I know by name.

 Jani’s bony fingers are wrapped around the bars as he stares at me.

‘Shut the fuck up, Jani. You know nothing’, Jaska snaps at the other guy. Jani shrugs his shoulders in reply and starts to jump around.

                                                                         

‘Alright, I’ll admit it: I _did_ fall but not from the trapeze! It was during my act with the rings of fire’, Jaska finally states after he has calmed down.

 I’m sitting cross-legged on the ground with a safe distance between me and the Wolfman.

‘Jaska, we still have thirty minutes before they come and get us. Please, tell them about your leg’, Markus tries again.

 ‘Because you are so nice’, the Wolfman rolls sarcastically with his eyes.

 

The guards come and they take us to the breakfast area. Some performers get handcuffed or they get their feet tied.

The guard who comes to me, observes me and decides my condition makes me unable to flee or fight anyway. While we get out, I see how three guards need to approach Jaska.

 ‘You better keep walking’, Markus warns me.

A few minutes later, Jaska limps toward our table with his food.

 ‘Yo, Mushroom Head! After we’re done here, you come with me’, the tall man declares as he sits down.

 I look confused.

‘Pay the good ol’ doc a visit’, he explains. I take a quick look at his leg. It looks painfully twisted.

‘Don’t you worry about me, Mushroom.’

 

After we’ve eaten, Markus and I get separated. He reassures me I don’t have to be afraid. One guard watches over me while there are three guards taking care of the shaggy performer.

 ‘You see that, Mushroom Head? Even with a disabled leg they need three guards to contain me!’, Jaska cackles as we go to the tent of the doctors.

 

Doctors manage to remove some scales so I can move my fingers more freely.

I scream in pure agony when they do it. It’s practically a small surgery without anaesthesia.

 In the meantime, Jaska gets his leg corrected but I don’t see him bat an eye. He does laugh though when he sees me. That bastard.

 After it’s done, we have to wait for the guards. Jaska wears a bandage around his leg with splints. He doesn’t get crutches. Guess it would be dangerous to give the seemingly infamous Wolfman objects that could be used as weapons.

 

‘Now that you have hands again, I guess we should shake hands’, Jaska states suddenly. I’m surprised.

He holds out his hand and I hesitatingly shake his.

 ‘Pleased to meet you, I am Jaska the Wolfman’, for the first time he smiles. ‘I’m not really good in apologizing, you know?’

‘Oh.’

 ‘I’ll take that as a way of apologizing?’

‘Don’t. I’m a shitty person. I hate so many things. But if it’s any relief, there’s one thing I hate more than rookies and that’s this godforsaken circus!’

 


	5. He is crazy!

During my first day in the Circus, I can’t do a lot. I need to observe and learn a few things first before I can perform here as well.

I need to help around the circus but I’m only allowed to help in the areas “reserved” for the “Freaks”.

‘We are the Freaks. We look strange, we are strange, we act strange. We’re almost inhuman. We can’t come in direct contact with the “normal” circus folks. See us as the untouchables’, Markus explains to me.

‘After midnight, _our_ shows begin’, Markus tells me as he walks me to the practice area. There are plenty of folks in the ring already. Quickly everybody stops with what they’re doing and come look at me.

 It’s quite overwhelming. I see a great variety of people: young, old, tall, small. All victims, I think.

Suddenly someone pushes themselves through the crowd.

 It’s Jani. His eyes widen when he sees me. Before I know it, he jumps me and I fall.

‘Jaaari!’, he exclaims happily before he starts to _lick_ my face like a dog.

Now the voice of Patchwork is heard barking at the man who sits on my chest. The other people of the circus return to their chores and leave me be.

Fortunately Jani obeys Markus and gets off my chest.

 ‘I- I’m so-sorry’, he bows and starts to stutter apologies. ‘Bu-but Mark- Markus! He a-and I ar-are partners n- now!’

 Markus raises a questioning eyebrow.

Jani nods heavily and puts his hand in his pants where he magically pulls out a piece of paper. Patchwork looks disgusted but decides to accept the paper nonetheless.

 ‘Gosh, he’s right’, Markus now looks at me.

‘What does it say?’, I want to know.

‘You’re teamed with Animal here’, Markus answers. ‘Although he’s more a crazy one, huh, Jani?’

 ‘Crazy Jani? Th- that’s me!’, Jani chuckles, not breaking our eye-contact.

Then he runs around in circles before stopping in front of me. He has three knives in his hands and I quickly step back.

 ‘Knives! Knives! Go- gonna throw these lov-lovely knives!’, he sounds so happy but it makes me afraid. Is he serious?

Suddenly I feel Markus’ hand on my shoulder. ‘Believe it or not, he’s the most trustworthy knife thrower here. Even the “normal” folks can’t keep up with him!’

 ‘Does that make _me_ the target?’, I gulp.

‘Yes. Rookies don’t get the most difficult tasks, mind you’, Markus nods. I out a sarcastic laugh.

‘Because standing still while someone throws knives at you isn’t so difficult, huh?’

 ‘I- I wo-won’t hit y-you’, Crazy Jani promises but I still find it hard to believe.

‘We- we should prac- practice’, he says. He takes his hand in mine and forges ahead of me.

 

While Crazy is readying his knife collection, I study him. His movement is erratic. His body trembles.

 It makes me even more nervous. This man is going to throw knives at me and I should stand still. Amazing.

 Only now do I notice the dog collar with studs around Crazy’s neck. As the collar slightly shifts, the skin underneath it shows scars.

 Jani’s body is sharp and bony. He is filthy like a stray dog. Scars run over his whole greyish skin. Yet they’re different from Markus’. Some scars are hidden under mud, sweat and blood.

 It makes me feel bad for the guy.

I wonder how much pain he must feel. But his voice and vibrant eyes tell a different story. They’re full of life and enthusiasm. Maybe a little bit _too much_ eagerness. It could be a coping mechanism, though.

 

‘Re-ready, Jari?’, he snaps me out of my thoughts.

Doubtfully I look at the glistening dagger in the man’s hand. He notices me looking at it.

 ‘Aren’t that- that sharp’, he chuckles. He slides the sharp edge over his finger. It causes a small cut.

‘See?’, he smiles before licking the droplets of blood coming from the wound.

Yep, definitely crazy.

 Jani leads me to a wooden board that looks like a broken door. A silhouette of a human figure is drawn on it.

 There are many cuts visible where the daggers have hit their target. No cuts on the “body” of the drawing however.

 Still, my heart is throbbing painfully in my chest when I stand position.

‘Arm- arms and le-legs more spread’, Jani commands and I quickly do as I say.

 ‘So, eh, Jani… How long have you been doing this?’, I ask with a shaky voice. Crazy Jani plays a bit with the tip of the knife before he looks at me and answers my question.

 ‘Twen-twenty years’, he says with a loud cackle and throws the knife in a nonchalant looking way at me.

 I thought I would move, but instead I completely freeze. The dagger splinters the wood above my head. I shriek.

My hands are firmly pressed against the wood and my legs are shaking.

 ‘You, you’re a fun m- man, Jari’, Jani declares and throws his second knife at me. This time I can’t help myself but duck.

I’m grateful to see the second knife next to the other knife. Jani yells and hops to me.

 ‘What we-were you doing?! Ne-never ever mooove!’, he taps the pommeau against his head. He pulls the two throwing objects out of the wood and ogles me.

 ‘I-, I’m sorry’, I sniff. Jani’s playful look dims and turns into a worried frown. He drops his knives and walks over to me.

 ‘Oh nooo! D-Don’t cry. So-sorry! Didn’t- didn’t want to u- upset you!’, he stammers. He now keeps patting me on my head.

 I try to recollect myself.

‘We can continue’, I breathe sharply.

 ‘Good! Good!’, Crazy claps in his hands like a child.

 

‘So, Jani? How long have you been here?’, knife one.

‘Thirty-five y-years.’ Second knife gets thrown.

‘That’s a long time!’

 ‘Y-yes. I grew up h-here. Thi-this is my ho-home’, third dagger.

Crazy Jani smiles: ‘Try m-make it y-yours too. I’m h-happy here.’                   


	6. I'm not crazy. Everyone else is just crazy!

 

My first show is over two hours and I’m nervous as can be. The Freaks are part of what they call the “Aftershow” when a big part of the audience already goes home.

The fact that Crazy Jani is running around like a headless chicken isn’t helping.

We’ve practiced many times and still I’m so unsure.

 ‘D-don’t be s-so nervous, Jari!’, suddenly I feel Jani grab my wrist. He is standing hunched over and his expressive eyes look into mine.

 ‘Co-come with me! I- I’ll sho- show you some-something!’, without awaiting my answer, Jani drags me away from the dressing room.

 

I get led through an unfamiliar part of the circus. It’s the “attic” and we walk between the “hollow walls”.

 ‘Jani!’

He silences me and points at something. There’s a big opening in the wall and I spot the perform ring.

I gave my co-worker a side-glance. His eyes are twinkling and he smiles his toothy grin at me.

 ‘So _this_ is what you wanted to show me. Does the Director know about this place?’, I whisper.

 ‘N-no. H-he kno-knows no-nothing!’

I see Markus juggling with swords while balancing on a thin rope. I gulp at the dangerous sight.

 ‘Markus is pro-professional t-too’, Jani reassures me.

‘But there are no safety nets whatsoever!’

 ‘We’re F-Freaks. We do-don’t need pro-protection’, Crazy explains amused but the fact there’s no protection for us makes my stomach twist.

 ‘Shouldn’t we go back? What if the rest find out?’

‘Nooo!’, Jani whines as he holds onto my wrist again. He points at the stage. ‘Sa-Saaresto’s n-now. Do-don’t want to m-miss him!’

 

A man with a Jester mask enters the ring. He gets applauded loudly. He bows deeply and then starts. He looks like a clown or a mime at first until he starts to speak.

He has a pleasing voice but suddenly he raises it. Saaresto even starts to scream and cry out whole soliloquies  and the crowd seems to go crazy.

 It’s almost disturbing how good the man performs.

Saaresto laments about the duality in life, about dark and light. He plays out an entire scene where he seems to struggle with his inner demons.

 Somehow it’s hauntingly beautiful and I get captivated by it. I can’t look away until Jani taps my shoulder.

 ‘T-time to go, Jari!’

 

‘How come I’ve never seen him in the cells or elsewhere before?’, I wonder.

‘S-Saaresto has a spe-special place f-for himself. H-he ta-talks too m-much’, Crazy chatters as we sneak back.

 ‘Enjoyed the show, Jari?’, Patchwork suddenly greets me. He must know where I’ve been. I quickly nod.

‘Yeah. Saaresto is a great and believable performer!’, I exclaim.

Markus chuckles: ‘True. Something tells me Saaresto isn’t faking it, though. Anyway, it’s your turn! Good luck!’

 Markus’ words about Marko stay with me until I get on the stage with Crazy Jani. To my surprise, Olli announces our act.

 

I’m still catching my breath afterwards.

I want to go backstage but Jani stops me.

‘Huh?’

‘Pi-piggy-back ri-ride?’

I can’t refuse that strangely cute face of his.

 

The final performers are done and it’s time for the After- _After_ show. We’re put back in our “normal” clothes.

 I hear Jaska growling.

‘I’m not going back to the ring! No! Fuck off!’, he now howls painfully as if someone has beat him.

‘Wasn’t he hurt?’, I stammer confused.

Markus sighs with sorrow in his eyes. ‘He doesn’t need to perform now. None of us needs to. This is an exhibition of our bodies.’

 

I get chained and brought to the ring again. The small number people that were present during our performance has even decreased more.

 We’re transported in movable cages and Saaresto is sitting in the cage next to me. Only now I notice his two different coloured eyes.

  He is muttering to himself. Just like me, he wears no shirt.

 It reveals strange tattoos on his body. In his neck he has a scissor printed that points downwards. His chest is “divided” by a long dotted line.

 ‘Who are you?’, he suddenly speaks up, startling me.

A grin, too wide for his face, is displayed on his lips.

 ‘I’m Jari. I’m new’, I whisper carefully.

‘Interesting, huh, Jeremiah?’, Saaresto grunts and spits.

 ‘Huh, Jeremiah!’, he raises his voice. I look around him: no Freaks looks up.

 ‘Y-you’re talking to me?’, I question.

Saaresto shakes his head and pokes his own head.

 ‘No, no! I’m talking to _him_ ’, now he points at his face.

‘Yourself?’

 ‘No, you idiot! He’s talking to me!’, Saaresto’s voice is slightly altered.

‘My name’s Jeremiah pleased to- Argh!’, the performer wants to shake my hand through the bars but suddenly withdraws.

 ‘Hamartia! What are you doing here?!’

‘Meeting the rookie.’

Saaresto is even crazier than Jani, I think.

 

‘My apologies, I’m Marko. But no one calls me that. I don’t want to because it’s not only Marko.’

‘Wha-what do you mean?’

‘My brothers are present too, you know? Jerry and H.’

‘I don’t understand’, I stammer afraid.

‘I’m a Siamese tripling.’

‘Aren’t Siamese-’, I get cut off.

 ‘My brothers are in my head’, Saaresto explains. ‘They talk to me. They are real. I’m not crazy. Everyone else is just crazy. Right, H?’

 ‘Absolutely’, Saaresto talks to himself again.

Before he can talk to me again, I get driven to the audience.

 

The audience: all rich, white men and women. They wear masks with thin slits as eyes, like they want to remain anonymous. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

They’re gawking at me like hungry scientist. I feel like an insect under their unsettling gaze.

 The crowd’s talking, giggling and sounds disgusted at the same time.

I feel like crying but I try to stay strong.

 ‘You think he feels anything in those mutated parts?’

‘Nah. You can try.’

 Before I know it I get bombarded with rotten food and small objects. I yell and I can’t stop the tears anymore.

 Finally I understand why Jaska refused to go back to the ring.


	7. The new kid (Patchwork's Diary)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we get a look inside Patchwork's head and diary!

I’ve lost track of counting the days I’m here. It’s been for so many years already I just decided to stop counting one day. I also stopped counting the number of the Freaks that have died over the past few years. It’s just… too much. I don’t write a lot in my diary anymore either.

 Nothing special has happened that’s worthy to be remembered. And all the sad things? I don’t want to remember them. If I were to do that, I’d have written novels, I think bitterly.

 

There has been a break in my daily routine though: rumours have been spread about the Director looking for new Freaks.

 

I eavesdropped on some guards who were guarding my cell while I was cleaning it.

‘The Director is desperate.’

‘Soon new flesh, huh?’

‘You bet! Wonder what they’ll come up with this time.’

‘Better not freaky twins or something like that. It creeped me out and I was glad they drowned them eventually!’

 

I still shed some tears when I think about Clara and Lara. Such innocent souls.

 

Of course, guards talk a lot of shit most of the time. You can’t trust them so I wait for my next contact with Olli, the son of the Director. He always tries to come to the barracks at least once a week, if not once in two weeks.

 

\--

 

At the end of the weekend Olli sneaks to the barracks. I hear seven soft knocks against my cell wall. That’s the signal. I crouch more towards the wall and start to tug at a few bricks until they come loose.

 It creates a small hole in the wall and I get to see a part of the younger man’s face.

‘Hey, Markus. I’ve come to collect the notebooks’, Olli cautiously whispers.

 ‘Here’, I mutter as I hand him a few over.

I see a slight surprise in the blue eyes.

 ‘The number keeps decreasing’, Olli remarks.

‘I know. Haven’t written in my diary for a long time but now I have’, I murmur.

 ‘Good. You want to talk about it?’, Olli asks me.

‘Nah. But thank you for doing this for so long. You’re a kind soul, Olli. You should try to run away. You don’t deserve this wretched world.’

 ‘Same goes for you all. No one here should deserve to live in this rotten place’, Olli replies.

‘But you should go now. Or you might get caught!’, I add.

Olli gives me a warm smile and promises me to return the next week and hopefully even sooner. We say our goodbyes and I close the gap in the wall again.

 

\--

 

Olli tries to keep his promises and succeeds. The next week he has returned with our diaries.

This time our meeting is a bit longer.

 ‘Is Jaska sleeping?’

‘Yes. I won’t wake him. He had a bad day in the Ring of Fire.’

‘Ah, I remember. I tried to help him but he wouldn’t let me’, Olli murmurs.

 ‘That guy can be so stubborn. Anyway, what about him?’, I want to know.

‘Tell Jaska I’ve read his journal and that he needs to look at the very end of the booklet. I put something there for him’, the Director’s son whispers before we have to say goodbye again.

I promise him and let the diaries pass through different cells.

 After I’ve given everybody their notes back, I decide to read mine.

Most of the time, Olli and I manage to share some extra information through this: written “dialogue”.

 

_Is it true that the Director is looking for new Freaks? I heard a conversation of some guards who were talking about it. Ugh, they also mentioned the Twins again. Such a shame to see such young people leave the world so early. But then again, how wrong it may sound: maybe they’re better dead than alive in this place._

_Dear Markus,_

_Those rumours are correct. My father was talking about it a few weeks already. But it stayed with “just talk”. But now he has set Joe and John on the task. God be with whoever they find._

_As for Clara and Lara, it really is horrible what happened to them. I’m so sorry I couldn’t prevent it._

_But what you say is also true: it might’ve been “the best” for the Twins, how cruel it may sound. Otherwise they would’ve had to go through hell and back in this place._

_Sorry for forgetting to tell you but I’ve given the Twins a secret funeral. A funeral attended by only Marko and I._

_Please, stay strong, Markus. I know it’s easier said than done but I know you for a long time now._

_Reminds me, you’ve probably seen me grow up as well? (be it watching from behind the very far scenes)_

_A friend_ _♦_

 

With a small grin I close the little notebook. I feel better, knowing that the Twins got an appropriate funeral and that their bodies didn’t just get dumped somewhere.

 

Anyway, now that the rumours are true, I’ll need to look after the newbie. I hope Olli is able to put them in my cell, despite having Jaska in the same cell as well as having Crazy next to us.

 I don’t mind looking after the rookies. I feel like it’s my job to protect and guide them so they don’t have to suffer that much.

 

\--

 

After I met Jari for the first time, I wait until he sleeps before I take out my diary to write my thoughts in it.

 

_Jari is very young. He has a condition that makes strange macules and papules grow all over his poor body. It looks painful._

_I wonder if he is snatched away from his parents or if he was sold. Maybe he didn’t even have parents._

_We haven’t talked a lot but I hope he’ll open up more soon, but now he’ll need some rest and time to get used to this new life._

_I hope I can help him cope._


	8. Ugh, rookies (Through the eyes of a beast)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaska's point of view

 

It’s past midnight when I finally get thrown into the cell. Markus is probably sleeping already.

I grunt but remain calm until the guards have left the barracks. It’s only then when I let out a lamenting howl.

 ‘Jaska?’, Markus whispers to me. Still awake, huh? He is sitting on the mattress. He gestures me to come sit next to him.

 Markus’ eyes ogle the necklace. There’s a slight chuckle coming through his teeth.

‘They smashed out another one huh?’, he mutters and I now laugh.

 ‘Yep, another tooth to the collection.’

‘What did you do this time?’

 ‘I don’t want to talk about it’, I growl in reply. I don’t want Markus to know I was talking about the Twins again. I know he mourns their deaths too.

 Markus understands and remains silent about it.

‘Ah, yes before I forget! Here is your diary! Olli said you’ll find something at the end of the booklet’, my friend informs in a low voice as he hands over my diary.

 

I can already guess what Olli left me but I first give a quick glance over the few things I’ve written in my diary already.

 

I gulp as I see various small lists of names pass by. Why did I write their names and their ages down? What does it matter anymore?

I curse silently for getting sentimental again. It’s time for the thing Olli left behind.

A small grin appears on my lips as I take the small, pink envelop in my hands. My dirty fingers trace over it carefully. Finally I open the letter.

 

_Dear brother,_

_Forgive me for not writing you any sooner. I’ve been very busy at my work and you know how a woman needs to work even harder to “get on the same level as her male counterpart”._

_Also, finding out where you are isn’t easy for me. Sometimes it feels like looking for a needle in a haystack. (That circus really knows how to hide their tracks!)_

_I’m sorry, I wished I could send more letters._

_I hope you understand the risk of all of this, dear Jaska._

_I wished I could say we could be reunited one day but I don’t want to give you any false hope. But I_ do _hope these rare letters lift your spirit a little in that unfathomable darkness you talk about. (I really hope these letters reach their rightful destination!)_

_If you want to know how I am doing: I’m doing fine. Working very hard but I’ll get by. Mother and father are healthy, luckily. Previous winter I really thought they’d be gone but they’re strong people! I think you must’ve inherited that willpower to keep fighting!_

_I want you to know our mother still lights a candle for you every weekend._ _During my father’s sleep, I sometimes hear him murmur your name and plan out a whole rescue plan for you._

_So I hope this letter has reached you too. It’s okay if you don’t send anything back. I think it’s safer for you too if you don’t. So don’t feel guilty for that._

_Remember, we always love you, Jaska._

_Please, stay strong._

_Kaarin_ _♥_

 

Once again I curse when I feel some tears.

I’m so glad she wrote me again. It’s been three years since the last letter I got from her. I’m glad to know she and our parents are doing fine, wherever they may be. There’s never an address of the sender on those cards so I remain in the dark on their whereabouts.

 But maybe that’s better for everyone.

Receiving these letters of Kaarin also pains my heart. She can never be sure if I receive these messages, if I’m still alive. So she only has to hope for the best.

With utmost care I fold the letter in half and put them with the others. It’s good to have the sweet scent of perfume in my nose again. The scent from the previous letters have faded a long time ago.

The scent reminds me of Kaarin and our home. Bittersweet memories.

 

\--

 

My first impression of Jari is: weakling. I thought he wouldn’t survive one week but he has proven me wrong. And secretly, I’m happy about it.

 

I didn’t really want to be cruel to him but I had a reputation to uphold.

The Wolfman is an angry beast who shows no mercy to his adversaries. He has no emotions. Anger is what drives him, keeps him alive.

I am that Wolfman. I shouldn’t like people. I should hate them, despise them. Even the Freaks are afraid of me. They have all the rights to.

 I’m big, mean looking and strong.

But fuck. Underneath all those layers of anger and fur, I’m only human too. A human being who has more emotions than he’d like to admit.

 

I try to toughen Jari up. He needs to know that the world he now lives in is unfriendly and unforgiving.

Markus and I often have a discussion about it.

 

 ‘You’re too hard on that kid!’

‘I’m not. He needs to learn these things, Baldie!’, I then give Jari a look.

‘Am I too mean to you, Mushroom Head?’

‘No, no. You’re correct. I should learn to man up’, Jari mutters a shy reply. I cackled out loud and firmly rubbed the kid’s head after giving him a strong firm clap on the shoulder.

 ‘Jaska!’, Markus exclaims worried.

‘Just my way of showing affection’, I wink.

 

\--

 

‘Ja-Jaska!’, I’m sitting with my back against the bars of our cell. Annoyed I turn around to see Crazy’s eyes staring at me from the other side of the bars.

 ‘What is it?’, I huff frustrated.

‘What a-are you w-writing down th-there?’, Jani wants to know.

 ‘Nothing’, I bluntly reply.

‘Y-you wrote Jari’, he counters. I roll my eyes and snarl at him.

 ‘That’s none of your business. But Jani is right.

‘Y-you’re afraid, huh?’

After a long silence I whisper so it’s almost inaudible : ‘Damn sure I am.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarification note:  
> The lists in Jaska's diary are the names of all the newbies who died.
> 
> He writes Jari's name in it already, because he kind of is losing his hope. He thinks: yet another name i can already add.  
> In some way, he hopes it will ease the pain that would be the loss of jari's life


	9. Jaari!! (A crazy perspective)

I’m getting summoned to Father’s tent. I’m one of the few Freaks who gets allowed to be present in the big man’s tent.

Excited I hop to the place while one guard tries to contain me.

 ‘Stay in your lane, Freak!’

I tilt my head and look for his eyes. Insulted I reply: ‘I h-have a name y-you know? Crazy is m-my name!’

 ‘Yeah, yeah. Keep moving!’, my guard huffs.

Once inside the tent, Father greets me.

 ‘Ah, there you are! I want to tell you something very nice.’

Enthusiastic I jump around the place.

 ‘Be a good boy now and sit down, please?’, he commands me. Quickly I sit on the floor.

Father now hands me over a piece of paper. Confused I look at the letters.

‘You have a new partner: the new kid’, Father explains.

‘You’re dismissed.’

 The guard wants to take away my paper but I’m too fast. Before he knows it, I’m sitting on Father’s desk.

 ‘C-can’t take t-this from me!’, I yell.

‘For fucks sake! Now be a good boy and get off my desk! I won’t ask it twice. And Felix, don’t take the boy’s papers’, Father keeps his voice relaxed even though he seems irritated.

 I immediately obey but give a suspicious look to Felix.

Just to be sure, I put the paper in my pants.

 

The other Freaks are training and rehearsing already when I walk to my small corner with the daggers. I sharpen and clean them until they glimmer.

 I’m so invested in doing my job that I didn’t notice all the Freaks have gathered around someone.

 Could it be?

I push myself through the crowd. My eyes widen as I see it’s the new kid.

Happily I rush toward him while I yell his name.

 I’m so glad he’s my new partner.

 

\--

 

There are only a hand full of people in the Circus I really care about: Stitchy,Wolfy, Little Brother, Father and the Great Saaresto. And now Jari too.

 I don’t know why it’s only with them. Maybe because they’re the only ones that aren’t afraid of me and   _kind of_ understand me?

 

Anyway, Jari is finally getting used to our lifestyle. I’m very grateful about that because in the beginning he cried a lot. He still does, but I try to cheer him up. And if it isn’t me, it’s Markus. Even Jaska has shown his way of affection towards the newbie.

 We all try our best to make his life easier.

 

\--

 

During our practice together Jari asks a lot about my past. Weirdly, I don’t remember a lot but I tell him about Father and the other people here.

 Sometimes I like to show him around the “forbidden” places of the Circus.

‘How do you know about these places? How has no one ever caught you?’, Jari asks astonished.

I chuckle and look for his eyes as I reply: ‘I- I have m-my privileges and n-no one ex-expects me t-to be h-here. No-no one notices m-me.’

 Which reminds me, I want Jari to show something during tonight’s show.

 

\--

 

When I take Jari’s hand in mine, he chuckles: ‘What place do you want to show me this time?’

I grin. He starts to understand me.

 ‘T-top!’, I say amused.

‘The rooftop?’

‘D- don’t worry. It- it’s easy to g-get there!’

 

As I make my way to the roof of our barracks, I look behind me to see Jari struggle.

 The sight of it, makes me laugh.

‘Go Jari! D-didn’t you l-learn to climb l-like a monkey here?’

 ‘I’m trying! I’m still new to all this!’

Once I’m on the rooftop, I hold out my hand for him and pull him up.

 

 ‘I- I know t-this isn’t the highest p-place of the C-Circus but I still l-like the view.’

My new friend looks up to the sky. I see some sadness displayed on his face. It worries me and I shuffle closer to him.

 ‘D-don’t like s-stars?’

‘Yes, I do. But… it also makes me feel so small and unsure and lonely.’

 ‘Stars are w-with you a-always. E-even if y-you don’t s-see them, Jari’, I reply.

Now I point at the sky.

 ‘I-I like to s-stargaze. L-look at a-all those drawings!’

‘Stargaze? Drawings?’, Jari looks unsure on what to do so I take his hand and make it point out some of the stardrawings.

 He is been missing out, I think so I decide to show him all the drawings I know.

 Finally Jari starts to understand.

‘Whoa, a great imagination, Jani!’, he sighs in awe as his eyes are now locked with the sky.

I smile and nod heavily.

 ‘Y-you’ll get th-the hang o-of it’, I reassure him.

‘Hm, I think I see my family there’, he suddenly mutters. I try to look but do not find them. Now it is Jari who takes my hand to clarify his drawing in the sky.

 ‘I see’, I almost sing. I face Jari and ask if his parents are dead.

‘No. But they’re very poor. No money to take care of themselves and my siblings.’

 ‘Y-you have s-siblings?’, I try to imagine more Jaris but with different hairstyles.

‘Four’, Jari snivels.

I look away and wonder what it must feel like to be separated from your family. Somehow it pains me I can’t truly understand him or some human emotions at all.

 Jari cries again and it hurts me to see my friend like this.

I want to lick away his tears but I quickly decide he might not like that.  Instead, I do what Markus does and that is hug Jari.

‘No, no. Please, Jari, don’t cry. I’m here for you.’

Jari looks at me in surprise.

 ‘You didn’t stutter! When you… _sang!_ ’

Sounds interesting but did I just sing? Sometimes I do indeed hum but everyone tells me to shut up.

 ‘S-sing?’

‘Yes! Apparently you don’t stutter when you sing!’, Jari sounds excited. It makes me happy too because when Jari is happy, I am happy.

 


	10. Showtime! (Olli's Logbook)

The show of the Odd Ones almost starts. I have one hour to go and I spend that time in my trailer.

One star on my right eye and three small lines in the corner of my left.

When I’m done with preparing, I sit down.

 A quick glance at the clock tells me I still have thirty minutes left.

How to distract myself?

 I ogle the box underneath the couch. It’s where I hide the diaries of some Odd Ones. Just to be sure, I lock myself up before taking out the journals.

 My fingers trail over the covers. Some of them are more torn and dirty than others. Even a cover tells a lot about its owner, I think.

 It’s been a good choice of me to hand each inmate a book to write in.

I feel it might be the only way for them to out their feelings, their thoughts, their dreams or what’s left of those. Whatever the people want to write, they can. They can even decide whether I read their journals or not.

Those diaries have given me quite the perspective and understanding of the Different Ones.

 

\--

 

As I’m reading Jari’s entry, I get interrupted by a knock on the door. Quickly I put the files away and walk to the door. Looks like it’s time.

 ‘Marko?!’

‘Don’t call me that, Olli’, the performer grunts.

‘Sorry, _Saaresto_ ’, I whisper. Now I notice the umbrella protecting me from the heavy rain.

 ‘How’ve you been holding up?’

‘Good. Those pills seem to work a little. The diary helps as well’, Marko tells me. We start walking.

 ‘Guess the guards deemed you sane enough today, huh?’, I slightly snigger.

‘Yes. Look at the weather though. You’ll think someone will be electrocuted?’

I gulp at the mere thought of it. We once had an accident caused by a severe storm.

 “The show must go on”, my father, the Director, had said.

 

‘I think Jeremiah wants to apologize for making you worry’, Marko remarks.

Saaresto has, just like Jani, trouble outing some emotions. For him, it’s easier to use Jeremiah as the caring person but I’m sure Marko cares as much as his brother.

 ‘Tell Jeremiah it’s okay.’

We walk to the main tent and I say my goodbye. I wait for Marko to disappear in the rain. I’m sure I can hear him have a debate with Hamartia… again.

 

\--

 

“Patchwork” is the opening act. He walks over the rope in the air. He has to juggle with blades as well. Every time I pray nothing will go wrong. I know Markus my whole life and he has never failed.

But still, I worry so much.

From what I understand, the Odd Ones can’t miss him. He is like the authority figure to them.

No, he is like a _father_ to most of them.

Not only do the Odd Ones need him, _I_ need Markus too. He is the living prove Odd Ones can survive for this long. But besides that, he is a _friend_ , a _brother_. Even if we can’t interact a lot with each other.

 

The second act involves Jaska. His leg still hasn’t healed enough so he gets to do another performance than his usual act.

Poor guy has to do humiliating things and I feel powerless once more for I can’t change the act.

I wonder how long he will keep up. He has been in trouble many times for speaking his mind and fighting against the Director, literally and verbally.

But I know that behind his grumpy exterior, lays a sweet soul who only wants the best for everyone around him. Although he doesn’t make that clear in his daily actions, I can see it in the way he writes in his diary.

 

Jari and Jani are next. From what I see they’re getting along better now.

 Jani’s past makes me sad but I’m kind of glad he manages to live. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

His childish behaviour and naivety must’ve kept him alive.

 But still, it’s difficult to know what’s going on in Jani’s head. Even his doodles and the words are sometimes indecipherable.

Jari, on the other hand, keeps track of his diary very well. He is a friendly guy and I just hope this circus doesn’t break him too much.

 I don’t want him to lose hope.

 

Finally we have Saaresto’s soliloquy.

The act is terrifying because I know Marko isn’t “acting”. He is serious. And he is torn between himself and Jeremiah and Hamartia.

It hurts me to see him like this: in a constant struggle to keep his mind clear.

 I try to keep insisting that he isn’t really crazy and that he has a mental illness.

Yet Marko keeps insisting he really is a Siamese tripling. I wonder why he tries to deny his mental state. Is it pride? Or is he ashamed? No one can tell but I’ll figure it out one day.

 

\--

 

After the show I need to unwind. This whole circus is mentally and physically challenging.

I feel the pain of the Different Ones weighing heavily on my shoulders.

 I feel like the only “normal” person here who _cares_ about their wellbeing. The only one who considers them human.

Every day I need to look them in the eyes and know I can’t do anything about it. I could try to free them but then they’d be hunted and probably killed.

 I’ve seen it happen in the past.

And I don’t want to see it happen again. I’ve learned from my mistakes and it has cost people’s lives.

 I wonder if I can ever fix it.

There’s blood on my hands as well and I can’t simply wash it away.

 

I’m a coward, a fool. One day I’ll have to pay the ultimate price: my life.

The thought of it frightens me but it must be the only way to repent for my sins.

No matter the outcome: this story won’t have a happy ending.


	11. Get out of my head! (A madman's soliloquy)

‘Jari, Jari! What’s so special about him anyway?’, Hamartia grunts.

‘I don’t see your problem, Hamartia. He’s the rookie, of course he gets more attention now. But remember: we’re still one of the main acts of the Aftershow!’, Jeremiah reminds us.

I’m sitting in our cage, crawled up in the corner where I usual sit. Over a few minutes we’ll have our daily portion of “food”.

If I’m correct, Olli has managed to slip some pills in there again.

 ‘You going to take the pills again?’, Hamartia never gives me thinking space, huh.

‘Yes, so you will finally shut up’, I growl back.

‘Why do you want to get rid of me so badly?’, he chuckles.

I tap our head and hear Jeremiah interfere.

 ‘Please, there’s no show tonight so I think we all should shut up and rest for the future.’ I huff: ‘That means I won’t hear you either, Jerry!’

‘That’s okay for me. I’d rather keep my thoughts away from you as well. I promise not to disrupt or eavesdrop on your thoughts’, J promises me.

 ‘You two are so boring. When will _I_ get to control the body again? Haven’t been out for a long time now’, Hamartia complains. ‘I want to play.’

 ‘Stop complaining’, I shout at him.

As punishment H uses our hand to slap _me_ in my face. ‘You’re not the only Saaresto here!’

 

Finally the food arrives. It’s a guard who brings it, not Olli. I try to remain myself but H is getting the upper hand.

After I’ve passed out and wake up again, the food’s spoiled on the floor, the pills are outside the cage.

In the back of my head I hear laughter coming from Hamartia.

 ‘What have you done?’, I hiss.

I kneel down and gather the remaining food. Quickly I eat it from the floor even though it tastes horrible.

 ‘No one needs those pills, Marky!’

‘You’re right. I don’t need the pills. I just need _you_ to disappear. Be gone!’, I huff as I scratch wildly through my hair.

 ‘Marko, you’re bleeding!’, somewhere in my mind, dear Jerry has woken up. I bet my life on it that it was Hamartia who put him to sleep, just like he did to me.

 ‘I know. It’s because your-, I mean _our_ brother decided to waste the food’, I look at the plate to see my own reflection. It’s my way of looking at my siblings.

 One blink with my eyes and Hamartia is looking at his reflection.

‘Very well, brothers. We either eat _decent_ food or nothing at all!’

 Inner Jeremiah crosses his arms in a judging way. Hamartia playfully sticks out his tongue.

‘We’ll starve otherwise. We have to be glad we get three meals a day!’, J dares to speak out.

 ‘I’d rather eat our own shit, Jerry!’

 

\--

 

We’re in the training area. I stare at a script in my hands.

It’s useless, as always. Most of the time I improvise or just decide to go into a debate with my brothers. I crop the paper into a ball and throw it away.

With envy I look at the “knife couple”. They’re seen practicing together and some other Freaks are standing around them, watching in awe.

 ‘Let’s have some fun’, an echo in my mind.

And before I know it, I’m walking towards the two Freaks. Hamartia makes me spread our arms in a “friendly” gesture.

‘New Meat! Crazy Idiot! How are you doing?’, it’s H who’s speaking. I slowly get pushed away by my ever-present brother.

 ‘G-good, Sec-Second Sa-Saaresto!’, Crazy smiles at H. Crazy astonishes me every time he can see the change. He’s like the only one who treats us like _separate_ persons.

 Now Hamartia hugs the bony man and whispers in his ear: ‘What do you think about heighten the level of risk, huh?’

 ‘H-how?’

‘Me running in front of New Meat. It will be more difficult for you, right?’, H explains.

Crazy turns to his partner and asks if he’s okay with that.

Through Hamartia’s eyes, I see the hesitation and genuine fright in the boy’s eyes.

Jeremiah wants to say he doesn’t have to agree but Hamartia is merciless. He denies my brother and I access to my body. We can’t do anything about it.

 ‘O-okay then. I trust Jani’, Jari stammers.

 

\--

 

As expected, everything goes horribly wrong.

 

Hamartia is fanatic in making it difficult for Crazy to throw the knives correctly. Good thing is, Crazy is a pro in dangerous stuff but so is Hamartia.

 We hardly do other acts than theatre, but when we do, I willingly let Hamartia lend my body to execute the dangerous tasks.

 It pains me to see my own body used for Hamartia’s own entertainment: creating mayhem.

Suddenly the madman attacks Crazy and fights against him.

 Crazy, however, seems to enjoy it.

Markus shows up and tries to stop Hamartia but with no luck.

 

‘Stop it! Hamartia!’, I scream but I can’t get the words out.

‘No! This time _you_ listen to _me_!’, Hamartia hisses before spitting in Markus’ face. He steals a dagger and tries to stab Jari with it.

 Jeremiah joins my inner yelling.

Luckily for Jari, Crazy Jani defends him. There’s no hesitation when Crazy throws one of his knives right at us, at _Hamartia_.

 An excruciating pain goes through me as well when I get pinned to the boxes behind me.

 It makes Hamartia lose control. Slowly I start to get the control over my body back.

Through my pain I spot a few guards nearing me.

 ‘No! No! Please, no! I can behave! My brother… he’s gone!’, I scream.

They’re going to stun me with that horrible taser. My attempts to convince the guards is in vain.

Before I know it, an unbearable shock goes through my body and I fall numbed onto the floor. In my last seconds of consciousness, I see Olli standing among the crowd. I swear I spot some tears rolling down his cheeks.


	12. I'm sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jari's POV again

I hold my breath when I witness Saaresto getting electrocuted with that taser.

His body makes abnormal movements before it falls limp onto the floor. He seems to be unconscious when the guards drag the madman away.

When I look over at the Director’s son, he briefly shows me a hurt look. He must’ve silently wept. Then he disappears.

Crazy now walks over to me and asks if I’m alright.

 ‘Y-yeah. What about you?’

‘I-it okay. I l-like the S-Saarestos but H-Hammy can’t hurt m-my other f-friends.’ It feels strange:  knowing that Jani considers Saaresto a friend as well. But then again, he once mentioned the Director to be a friend too. He even goes so far as calling him “Father”. Makes me wonder if Crazy _really_ is related to that man. The thought of it makes me sick.

 

‘Oh god, Jari! Jani! Are you two okay?’, Markus comes running towards us.

Crazy nods heavily but I’m still trembling from it all.

Markus gives me a soothing hug.

 ‘G-group hug!’, Crazy exclaims excited and embraces us together.

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t help you out… Hamartia, he is strong’, Markus apologizes.

‘It’s okay’, I mutter.

 Then some guards return and yell we should work again.

 

I decide to help Crazy with his knives. I spot him inspecting the dagger he used on Saaresto.

 ‘B-blood, d-delicious’, he giggles. I can’t help but throw a disgusted look.

Crazy ignores it and after some time he suddenly says: ‘W-we should p-pay the S-Saarestos a v-visit!’

 Confused I look at him.

‘H-he’ll appreciate it’, Jani nods. He reaches out his hand and I take it.

 

\--

 

We’re able to sneak away somehow. I’m always intrigued no one seems to miss us.

I know Markus turns a blind eye on purpose when he sees us sneak away.

 We pass the barracks and the training area until we walk passed the special cages. I ask Jani about it but he doesn’t know what’s behind the blankets either. None of the Freaks seem to know.

 

Saaresto’s cage is bigger than ours. He seems to have a decent bed. All in all, his cage looks more civilized. The man himself is laying on his bed. I can’t see if he’s sleeping or still unconscious.

 ‘S-Saarestos!’, Crazy hisses. Paranoid I keep looking around me.

Jani now picks up some pebbles and starts throwing them onto the performer.

 ‘Wa-Wake up!’

Finally Saaresto moves. He crawls up. The makeup around his eyes has been smudged. Although it makes him look intimidating, the only thing I see is a broken man.

 ‘Jani!’, first he spots Crazy.

When he notices me, he gets silent and turns his head away in shame.

 ‘Jari’, he mutters with a hand against his mouth. When he dares to face me, he keeps one hand firmly pressed against his right eye.

 ‘I want to apologize. Jeremiah too, I believe’, Saaresto speaks up.

What should I say? I don’t get time to think of an answer.

 ‘I don’t expect a “thank you” because I don’t deserve it. A simple “sorry” won’t make up for what I did. Are you hurt?’

 Not sure if I should approach, I judge Crazy’s answer even though the guy has a twisted sense view on morality.

 ‘Sh-show h-him, Jari.’

I inch closer to the cage and show him my body.

 ‘Good. And you, Jani?’

‘I-I’m c-cool.’

 ‘What about your hand?’, I remember. Saaresto shows me a bandaged hand. Blood’s still seeping out of it.

 ‘Doc took some care of it.’

‘I’m s-sorry, Sa-Saaresto. T-tell Ha-Hammy too!’

 ‘Nah. It’s his fault this happened’, Saaresto grunts and increases the pressure on his right eye. It makes me gulp.

 

‘You scared? Don’t worry, Hamartia can’t hurt you now when I do this. He has been put to sleep thanks to that taser as well and the pills Olli gave me help too.’

 ‘Olli? Pills?’ So many questions that pop up in my mind.

Saaresto now sits down, still not letting go of his eye.

 ‘Yup. Olli takes care of me. He takes care of most of us, Freaks, as you’ve probably realized.’

‘Li-Little Bro-Brother is a g-good guy!’, Crazy adds and Saaresto nods in agreement.

 ‘To answer your other question: the pills keep my head quiet. Luckily for me, I can still think clearly after the pills. But not always! It numbs me down too. Oh well, at least I don’t have Hamartia annoy me and I get to keep my thoughts for my own’, Saaresto explains.

 He sounds so… normal now.

I can only imagine what it must feel like: to have two persons in your head.

 ‘S-So H-Hammy and J-Jer are sleeping?’, Crazy asks. He’s so naive, I think.

‘Kind of. I don’t want to talk about my brothers. Please, go away before someone spots us together.’

I decide to do as Saaresto says.

 ‘Oh, before you leave: thank you… for visiting me even though I-, I mean _Hamartia_ hurt you.’

Saaresto then turns around and we leave.

 

\--

 

Once we’re back in the training ring, Markus approaches us immediately.

 He seems to have bad news.

‘Where were you guys?!’

 ‘V-Visiting the S-Saarestos’, Crazy answers.

‘Something happened?’, I ask concerned. Markus sighs.

 ‘Not really but almost. Guards were asking why you disappeared. I said I knew nothing and that you were probably with the Director. But you can’t keep disappearing. I know you’ve succeeded many times. If it’s only Jani, then that’s okay. Because he is… well, a special one. But you, I don’t want to see anything happen to you, Jari. You need to be careful. You don’t have Jani’s “privilege”’, Markus warns me.

 ‘Markus is darn right’, a familiar voice is heard.

Then I see Jaska limp towards us. Although he’s limping, it looks like his leg is really healing.

 ‘Mushroom Head, you better watch out before they take you away… forever!’

Jaska sounds angry but I’ve come to understand that he actually cares about me after Crazy told me about the “secret” of Jaska’s lists.


	13. I ruin everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aand here we have a timeskip.  
> This chapter is also told from Jari's perspective. Things are quickly escalating

I’m living in this Circus for almost three years now. I can’t say it has become my home for it doesn’t feel like it. But I can honestly say I’ve made some friends.

 Markus feels like a father to me.

Jaska makes me think about my older siblings. Crazy Jani is my “partner in crime” and my weird friend.

Olli is the only “Normal One” I can trust. He sort of keeps our hopes up. Saaresto remains an enigma to me but I start to get used to his strange behaviour. I can adapt better to him now.

 Yet, there are still a lot of mysteries surrounding the Circus, its origins and its “inhabitants”.

I think it’s better if some answers are kept in the dark.

 It’s for the sake of my and everyone’s sanity.

 

\--

 

Two years I could keep this up: sneaking around the Circus like Jani, tasting some freedom like Saaresto but it’s just destined to go wrong one time.

And I know that when it goes wrong here, in this dark place, it goes immediately _horribly_ wrong.

 

\--

 

‘Shouldn’t you go now? It’s past eight already! What if they miss you?’, Jeremiah now grasps onto the bars and gives me an intense look that’s unusual of him.

 ‘O-okay’, I mutter as I back off from Saaresto’s cage.

‘S-see y-ya!’, Jani waves his goodbyes before we leave.

 

Once we’re back at the training area, I see how Freaks have gathered around something or someone.

 Some of them notice us and point at us.

They whisper things.

 ‘Don’t go near him. He’s dangerous.’

‘Unpredictable.’

 ‘Oh, you two are going to get it bad.’

I start to sense the peril in the air. It fills my lungs and suddenly it becomes more difficult to breathe.

 

The crowd of Freaks now part for Crazy and me like the Red Sea parted for Moses.

With shock in my eyes I see Jaska kneeling down on the floor. He’s hunched over. He is growling and tense.

 ‘Mushroom Head… you’re _finally_ back’, his tone is calm but it’s threatening nonetheless.

‘Y-yes’, I almost don’t dare to make a sound.

 ‘You’re late’, the other Freaks now give us even more space. Finally the tall man stands up and he seems to rise even higher above me than usual.

His face shows pure rage but I also spot upcoming tears.

 ‘YOU ARE TOO LATE AND NOW HE’S GONE!!’, Jaska grabs me by my collar and pulls me up so I need to stand on my toes.

 ‘Wha- what are you talk-’, I stutter in shock.

‘MARKUS! THEY TOOK HIM FOR AN “INTERROGATION”!’, Jaska barks at me.

 ‘Le-Let go o-of Jari!’, Crazy yelps alerted.

But the angry man spits at the other performer. ‘Shut the fuck up, Jani!’ Jaska returns his attention to me.

 More tears in his eyes.

His grip around me loosens and he puts me down. ‘Damn it, Jari! Didn’t we, didn’t _I_ warn you enough? To not run off? Did you really think none of the “Normal Ones” would notice one day?! Huh! Did you really think that?!’

 I gulp. My mouth seems to be sewn shut.

My throat feels painful. I can’t speak. Words simply fail me. It starts to down on me that we probably lost Markus.

 Jaska looks around him and snaps: ‘Everyone get back to fucking work! It’s already worse as it is!’

The other people quickly mind their own business but I’m still in Jaska’s circle together with Crazy.

 ‘I-, I’m-’, once again I get cut off by the older man.

‘Don’t say anything and leave me be’, Jaska tone has calmed a little before he gives me the cold shoulder.

Without saying anything, I return to my place with Jani. Even he is silent now.

 

\--

 

Luckily for us, there’s no show tonight so we get led back to our cages early.

My cell is now more empty. Crazy still remains silent. Jaska doesn’t speak to me either. He is crawled up in his usual corner. He doesn’t bat an eye when I enter our cell.

I’m struck with guilt. I wonder what the interrogation was about. Probably about my whereabouts. Maybe worse. Whatever it may be, from what I understand from Jaska’s words, no one comes out alive.

 I don’t dare to ask Jaska if he’s sure Markus _really_ didn’t make it.

 

\--

 

Somewhere in the middle of the night, I get startled by mumbles and a rustling sound.

 ‘Where?’

‘There it is. Why does the Director think this is a good idea anyway?’

 ‘He’ll be an example.’

‘Please, let me take care of it all.’

 ‘But Son of the Director, I’m not sure if-’

‘How did you call me?’

 ‘Son of the Director?’

‘Exactly. I’m the boss here when father isn’t around. And I say: Leave. It. To. Me.’

 ‘As you say, “boss”!’  

 

‘Jaska?’, I hear Olli’s voice. He sounds tired. Now I hear Jaska leave his corner.

‘Olli!’, he exclaims with a hiss.

 ‘C-could you help me, please?’, Olli sounds begging. Once my eyes get used to the dark, I see the blond man is carrying a body. It’s Markus!

Carefully I crawl up.

 I see how Olli and Jaska now carry Markus’ seemingly unconscious body into the cell as careful as possible.

 Horrified I see my friend’s heavily beaten up body.

The sight of it makes the lump in my throat swell.

Now Olli makes eye contact with me. We keep staring at each other for quite some time.

It’s difficult to read the blond.

Is he sad? Is he mad at me? Probably disappointed. I guess he must have mixed emotions right now and I can’t blame him.

 I can only blame myself for this.

My foolishness, my hunger for a glimpse of “freedom” has almost cost my friend’s life.

 

‘Please, look after him’, Olli finally talks to me. ‘And don’t try to do anything stupid anymore. You know what? It might be better if you don’t go on your “daily escapades” with Jani anymore.’


	14. Silence (Through the eyes of a hurt beast)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaska's pov

Markus’ whole body is covered in blood and bruises. It breaks my heart. I really thought they had killed Markus but they didn’t.

But now he’s here: heavily wounded. It doesn’t look like they patched him up after the so-called “interrogation” nor does it look like Olli had the time to take care of the wounds.

I should be just glad it was Olli who brought Markus to our cell again.

 

With utmost care I remove his bloodied shirt to look at the wounds: inflicted by beatings with fists and probably batons.

 After I got rid of the sticky clothing, I search for something to stop the bleeding.

 I hastily look at Jari. He holds a blanket. Without hesitating he gives it to me and I nod.

 ‘Thanks’, I murmur, avoiding his eyes.

The younger man is trembling and I actually feel bad for snarling at him.

‘I-, I’m so sorry’, the breathy voice of the kid interrupts my thoughts.

 

‘I-It’s okay’, I grumble, ‘Just never do this again.’

‘It’s _not_. You had _all_ the right to be mad at me. I’ve been reckless. I should’ve known.’

The smaller man watches me rip off pieces of the blanket.

 I use these smaller straps of cloth bandage Markus’ biggest wounds.

‘Mushroom Head! Help me!’, I snort. ‘Please’, I carefully add.

Without hesitating Jari kneels down by our friend and helps me take care of Markus.

 

\--

 

The following day, Markus is still sleeping. Sometimes he hisses or grunts. Of course we aren’t allowed to stay with him.

The whole day I can’t concentrate on my duties. Markus’ mutilated body keeps haunting me.

Even Jari and Jani aren’t fully concentrated.

 Suddenly Saaresto appears in the exercise ring.

He talks with Jari. Then Jari is seen crying: he must’ve told Saaresto the bad news.

That’s when I decide to walk up to Jari. I remain voiceless when I hug him for the first time.

 During our lunch, I mutter: ‘He’ll be fine. Markus has survived for so long here. I bet he’ll survive another time.’

 

 But Markus isn’t fine.

 

\--

 

After we’re returned to our cells, Markus is awake.

He doesn’t flinch when Jari and I approach. He just… stares, aimlessly.

I’ve never seen him so lifeless. He is shivering uncontrollably.

Not knowing what to do, I sit down in my own corner and Jari joins me.

 ‘Markus?’, Jari tries after some time.

No response.

 ‘You know you can… talk about it with us, right? Or with Olli’, the younger guy whispers.

I shake my head.

 ‘Leave him be’, I say.

‘Markus… Just know I’m _so_ sorry this happened to you. I’ve been so stupid and selfish. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make it up.’

When Markus doesn’t respond, Jari bursts out in tears and it all just hits me so hard, I dare to out some audible cries as well.

 

I honestly don’t know what’s worse: Markus being killed or him suffering so much he doesn’t even want to share his pain with me or anyone else for that matter.

 

\--

 

The first week, Markus remains completely mute. It almost looks like he’s turned deaf too.

He’s not able to perform nor does he attend the After-aftershows.

 

During the second week, he seems to be more obeying towards the “Normal Ones.” It angers me.

 ‘What the fuck happened to you, Markus?! Is this whole mute thingy an act? If so, cut the fucking crap! Or did they brainwash you, _huh_? Talk to me, god damnit!’, I shout at him.

Jari cowers and Crazy is banging his head against the bars nervously.

 Markus _does_ react to my shouting now.

He turns his head away from me. I want to growl but remain silent this time.

Maybe that’s the best thing to do right now.

 

The worst thing about my angry questions is that the brainwash part could be true. The chance is so big, it terrifies me.

I grasp my friend by the shoulders and try to look in his eyes. I wish I had Jani’s skill to deduct people’s emotions by simply looking in their eyes.

 His eyes look so emotionless and dull and grey.

I shake him wildly.

 ‘Please, stop it’, Markus cries silently. I fall back, crawl into my corner and try to ignore everything.

I feel like I’m starting to fall apart.

 

\--

 

It’s not my day nor is it my night. It’s raining and the Director has summoned me to carry a few heavy boxes from one place to another. Of course, there are guards everywhere.

 

‘Who could’ve thought the Wolfman could be so whiny? Fearsome? Ha, my ass!’

‘He’s pretty breakable if you ask me, hehe.’

‘Remember that time he lashed out on the Director because of those shitty twins? They were useless anyway.’

My head twitches at the mention of the Twins again.

I begin to growl. They’re starting to piss me off and you better not piss me off.

‘Oh, what’s that? Are you trying to intimidate us? It ain’t helping, freak.’

‘Haha, yeah. You’re chained anyway so. What are you going to do?’, they mock me. Snap, does my brain.

 

Before I can help myself, I’ve dropped the metal box and punch the guard who said that in his face despite the constraints of the chains around my wrists..

 I howl.

Time to live up to my perform name. They want to see the oh so “Fearsome Wolfman”? They’ll get it.

The sound of painful  screams, crackling bones and torn skin fills the night air.

 

 

Escape. Escape. Escape. It echoes through my mind like a mantra.

Then the sound of a crackling gunshot rings in my ears.

 

The world around me starts to fade out.

A grim smile is on my bloodied lips. When my head hits the soil, my vision is completely gone.

 How foolish of me.

No one escapes here. No one. How foolish of you, Jaska. You’re going to die, idiot. Maybe my time has come after all. It’s sooner than expected.


	15. Is this really happening? (Olli's Logbook)

I haven’t slept well since I know what the Director did to Markus. How they’ve tortured him almost to death because he didn’t want to talk about Jari’s whereabouts.

 I witnessed a part of the “interrogation”.

Not only did they want to know about Jari, they wanted to know if there were any more “secrets” kept. But Markus was stubborn and remained silent.

 He even said: ‘You better hurt _me_ and me _alone_ than ever touching Jari or the others!’

And that’s what the guards did. They hit him and hit him. I tried to stop them but one guard kept me from doing so.

 During the brief moment of Markus’ consciousness, he requested the guards to take me away.

 

And now I’m in the Director’s tent to hear about the most recent events.

 ‘All these Freaks are becoming more rebellious. First that Patchwork guy isn’t cooperating and now that wolf guy tried to escape’, the Director complains. He’s seen drinking.

 ‘Y-You’re… going to kill him?’, I dare to ask. I actually don’t want to hear the answer.

‘Nah. Not yet. Maybe a public execution will follow after... Anyway, he’ll be set as yet _another_ example’, the Director says without hesitation or remorse in his voice and it disgusts me that this monster is my father.

 When I don’t say anything, the Director simply dismisses me. I guess he doesn’t want to talk with me about morals because he knows he is wrong and I’m right.

 

‘I can’t believe this is happening’, I dare to breathe.

‘What was that?’, comes the Director’s voice behind me. I halt.

‘You do know _I_ know about your nightly escapades as well, huh?’, he tells me in a calm tone despite the alcohol he’s been consuming the whole time since I’ve arrived here. I gulp. Does father really know? Or is he just bluffing, hoping to invoke a confession?

 ‘I know you care about those fucking _freaks!_ ’

His footsteps are approaching but I don’t turn around. Not yet.

 ‘Why do you care about those… things?’, the Directors lisps it with disgust. I form my hands into fists.

 ‘Look at me when I’m talking to you, _son_!’, the Director hisses.

I look in his icy blue eyes. It’s horrible to have the same set of eyes as him.

 ‘I don’t want to be called son!’, I snap back. I’m almost surprised by my reply.

‘Oh, is that so?, my father scowls me with that judging look.

 ‘You… You are a heartless human being!’, there, I said it. A smack across my face. My cheek burns. I need to stay strong. Markus had worse.

I don’t have the right to cry.

 

‘You’re going to cry like a baby? Gosh, I can’t believe my son is a fucking faggot!’, the Director huffs.

 Horrified I look at him and he only smirks.

‘What? I’ve seen the look in your eyes when you’re with that sicko with his voices in his head! You want him to screw you, huh?’

 I say nothing.

‘Or are you more into filthy dogs? Or do you prefer your “dear Markus”? You know, I’m actually surprised you haven’t been fucked by them yet because you seem like such an easy and willing target. Almost makes me think about your _mother_ ’, the Director spits at me.

 ‘SHUT UP!’, I scream.

Wrong thing to do. Another blow to my head and I actually fall onto the ground.

Then I receive a blow to my stomach by the Director’s boot. I gasp.

 ‘I’ll let you in on a secret’, the older man kneels down by me and suddenly starts brushing through my hair. The unexpected “gentle” gestures makes me want to puke.

 ‘Remember that I keep you alive and well, _only_ because I need a rightful successor after I’m gone. Markus was a failed “project” of mine. So he doesn’t count. I don’t even consider him as one of my own blood.’

 ‘Shut up about him!’, I snivel.

The man now forcibly tugs at my hair, pulling me up. I yell.

 ‘You’re coming with me now’, he commands.

 

The Director is a frightening man. One moment he looks calm and gentle. The next second he becomes a raging beast.

 And when drunk, you better not get in his way.

 

\--

 

I’m back in my trailer. I was forced to fully witness Jaska’s torture because I got taken away during Markus’.

 My heart is still beating aggressively because of it. I try to calm down but I can’t.

How much more trauma will I have to process? How much more suffering?

Jaska’s limiter is full. What happened to Markus must’ve  made something snap in Jaska. I can’t blame him.

 And here I am, sitting in my bed. Doing nothing as always.

I should do something. Not sit and wait. I _must_ prevent the execution. But how?

 

Ugly flashbacks from the last time I tried to save the Odd Ones flashes through my head. It gives me an headache.

 

I realize it has gotten a lot darker in my room. Instead of turning the light on, I ignite a small candle.

I sit down and start to do breathing exercises while I also gaze deeply into the small, flickering flame.

 ‘Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Calm down’, I muse to myself.

 

I’m their only hope. But their only hope is just a self-loathing piece of shit who doesn’t do anything. How can they put their trust in someone like _me_? I’m a hopeless weakling.

 

But slowly I start to realize something as I stare longer into the flame.

The ultimate price. That’s me. That’s my life. If I’m going to die, it can’t be a useless death.

 I will die but for a greater good.

I’ll make the ultimate sacrifice. I know my death won’t make up for all the horrible things that have happened all these years but it’s at least something I can do right.

 

I think I’ve finally found a way to put an end to all the misery.


	16. All dreams broken (Patchwork's Diary)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally we get to look inside Markus' head after the painful events of the previous chapters.

_I’m starting to lose all my hope, or whatever is left of it._

_Silly, Markus, didn’t all those years in the Circus taught you_ not _to hold onto hope? Hope… it’s so easily crushed._

_This interrogation has left me mute. I simply can’t produce any meaningful words anymore and it hurts me. It almost feels like an out-of-body-experience. I see myself react only to the “Normal Ones”’ orders. I ignore the pleas of my friends. Why do I do this?_

_Is it because of the shame I feel? I don’t want them to see my weak side. Because I’m their role model and therefore I need to be strong. But then again, acting like this, only exposes my weakness._

_Anyway, I’m just glad I manage to write again but I don’t let Olli read my diary anymore. I don’t want him to know what happened after he got carried away by the guards._

_I want to spare him from the humiliation I went through._

_Gosh, even I myself can’t believe I actually explicitly wrote down what had happened to me. Was it to cope with the torment? I don’t know anymore. I actually know so few things._

\--

 

_We’re in the middle of the third week_ _after I got interrogated. Another “accident” happened. Jaska has  tried to escape. He had to pay the price. I haven’t seen him around today. The “accident” happened during yesterday’s night. I’m afraid he’s dead. I guess this is what Jaska must’ve felt when they took me away._

_The only thing I can do now, is wait for Jaska’s return. Or prepare for nothing._

\--

 

The same evening Jaska disappeared, he reappears again. His arms are tightly tied to his back. His ankles are tied together as well and he has trouble moving.

My friend holds his head low as he gets pushed into our cell.

 Jari immediately runs towards him after he has fallen onto the floor.

I hear Jaska grumble. The younger guy carefully turns Jaska onto his back. He yelps.

‘J-Jaska! Markus!’

It’s been two weeks since I really reacted to my name but now I stand up and walk over to the two other guys.

 ‘Oh no’, comes my horrifying reply as I look at my friend. There are the “usual” signs of physical abuse but what shocks me the most is Jaska’s mouth.

 It’s almost _sewn_ shut. He tries to look away but I won’t let him.

‘M-Markus’, he manages to stammer.

 ‘Hush, my friend’, I’m almost surprised to hear myself speak clearly again.

‘Markus’, this time it’s Jari. ‘Should we try and untie him?’

I nod and give Jaska a questioning look.

 ‘Is that okay for you?’

He shakes his head.

 ‘We will at least loosen it’, Jari murmurs. Jaska silently agrees. My fingers are trembling as I try to slacken the ropes.

 It doesn’t work.

‘Shit. I’m sorry’, I sound more desperate than I want to be. Jaska twitches his head.

‘Crazy Jani?’, Jari guesses. Jaska heavily nods but then shows a pained expression. Now I see Jani stare at us behind his own bars.

 

‘Y-you need C-Crazy’s help?’, he sounds excited as ever. I wonder if Jani understands the seriousness of this all.

 ‘Yes, please. But be careful with Jaska. He’s heavily wounded’, I warn Jani.

Luckily he understands me. Jari and I help the taller man to get closer to the bars. Once Jani has good access to Jaska’s wrists, he uses the few sharp teeth he still has to loosen or even cut the ropes.

 ‘D-Did you t-try to es-escape?’, Jani whispers. It incites a deep growl from Jaska.

‘I-I won’t a-ask a-again’, Jani mutters as he backs off.

 

The same night, Jaska writes something down in his diary.

 

_I’m glad you’re finally talking again._

‘And now you’re the one who can’t speak’, I comment. If we weren’t in this shitty situation, we would’ve probably laughed about this.

Sad thing is, here, we hardly laugh.

 

\--

 

The next morning I decide to train again. The guards don’t bat an eye when the see me again.

Other inmates _do_ react. They walk up to me and ask if I’m doing fine.

 ‘I’ll be fine again’, I say with a fake smile.

I know it will never be the same again, but I can at least try. If it’s not for me, then it’s for the others here.

 

At one moment, we all get gathered at one spot and the Director appears. He seems surprised to see me among the crowd. I give him a smirk.

He informs us about future events and finally he talks about Jaska. It’s nothing good of course.

And then his final words hit me like Jani’s daggers.

 Execution. One month.

 

My worried eyes look into Jari’s terrified ones. I hear Jani mutter “no” multiple times as he bites on his own fingers.

 ‘I-is he serious?’, Jari snivels afraid.

 ‘I’m afraid he is.’

 ‘Is there nothing we can do?’, he says. It hurts me to do this, but I shake my head.

‘K-Kill F-Father?’, Jani suggests, much to my surprise. He always seems to display a certain loyalty to that man and now he says we should just kill the bastard?

 Jani must’ve spotted my doubt in my eyes when he quickly adds: ‘I w-was just k-kidding. Or m-maybe not?’

 He cackles inappropriately loud and runs away.

Jari stays on my side. He gives me a short smile.

 ‘I’m glad you’re talking again. I’m so sorry’, he starts apologizing once more.

‘Don’t be sorry. It was I who chose to not let out a single word about your whereabouts. I didn’t want them to torture you. Look, I’m an old guy so don’t worry about me. But you? You’re still young. How old are you now?’

 ‘Twenty. Almost twenty-one I think’, Jari replies quietly.

‘You still have a whole life in front of you’, I try to sound positive.

But Jari knows the harsh reality he lives in. There’s nothing to cheer us up now.


	17. You need to deliver something for me (A careful, approving soliloquy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So how does Marko fit into all the recent events?

 

I’ve stood among the rest when the Director announced the Wolfman’s execution.

  Now I’m back in my cell.

The Wolfman has never exactly been a friend of mine but he’s someone I know for a long time. That also gives you some kind of bond, I guess.

Like everyone here, he has gone through a lot of shit. He doesn’t deserve death.

I guess this caring side of me is because of Jeremiah. I wonder what he thinks of the whole situation. It’s been surprisingly quiet in my  head, which I should actually appreciate.

 

‘Rise and shine, Jeremiah’, I tap our head.

‘Hey, Marko. It’s been rough weeks, huh? And now this horrible event’, J mutters while crossing our arms.

 I sit down and lean heavily against the wall. I let out a groan and start to cough. Hamartia is awake now too.

 ‘World’s going to shit. It’s only a matter of time before more Freaks get executed! But when that time comes, I’m not letting this world take me down!’

H’s stubborn as ever but this is one of the rare moments I partly agree with my aggressive brother. Although he’s a sicko, he always keeps his hopes up and tries to make the best of it all, even if that means stepping on others’ bodies and misery to get what he wants. That’s the downside of course.

 ‘Finally you start to understand me, brother!’, Hamartia giggles.

‘What will _you_ do, Jerry?’

 ‘What do you mean?’, Jeremiah quietly asks.

‘Well, when the world crumbles down. When we’re on the point of no return. What’s it gonna be? Suicide? You’re going to try and stop me?’, Hamartia cackles amused.

 Annoyed I poke my temple and let Jeremiah speak up.

‘I’ll see what comes. I have no plans yet. But you know I don’t like the violent answer.’

 ‘So boring. Anyway, maybe you’re correct for once. One body cannot take on a whole army of guards and all’, H huffs disappointed. ‘Otherwise you get what Hairball got. That idiot.’

 ‘You can’t talk about him like that, Hamartia! What Jaska did… is understandable. He must’ve lost all hope and he just snapped. We’ve seen it happen too often with others too’, Jeremiah whispers and I agree with him.

More time to argue we don’t get.

Someone is approaching us. I smile when I see it’s Olli.

 

Despair is readable in his whole face.

 ‘Marko.’

I should complain  about it but I can’t.

‘You know what’s going to happen, right?’, Olli begins.

‘Jaska’s execution’, I can’t get the words out properly.

‘But the schedule will be changed. If _I_ have my say in it’, Olli then says. Suddenly he looks so…determined.

 Now I feel my body move on its own. Hamartia grabs onto the bars and presses  our face against it.

‘You’re going to stop the execution?’, H growls.

‘I try my best’, Olli replies.

Hamartia sticks out our arm to pet Olli’s hair. He lets him.

 ‘Amazing, Olli! I knew you weren’t a total loser’, H chuckles. That’s when I decide to step in.

‘Fuck off, H. I’m sorry for my brother’s insults’, I mutter an apology.

Olli sighs: ‘It’s okay. I’ve had worse.’ He looks like he must’ve seen or heard some horrible things recently.

 ‘Anyway, back to business. I want you to deliver something for me.’

‘What is it?’, I ask curiously.

 ‘A message. It goes out to all the Odd Ones. Make sure Markus knows about it’, Olli says in a mysterious way.

 I want to talk but Hamartia takes over once more.

‘ _We’re_ listening.’

‘Whoa, are we finally starting to agree with each other?!’, I laugh amused before focusing on Olli’s words again.

 

\--

 

‘So the point is: no one should panic. Otherwise it becomes a dirty mess. This needs to stay between us and the other Odd Ones! You understand that, Jeremiah, Hamartia and Marko?’

 ‘Won’t this be too risky? What if there would be more interrogations?’, Jeremiah outs his concern.

‘I don’t think there will be. Markus and Jaska were enough. I notice the tense behaviour among the Odd Ones, though. But I just hope that what I’ve told you, will give them some new hope’, Olli says.

 ‘Olli… You can promise us. For once, I’ll cooperate’, Hamartia chuckles and wants to shake the younger man’s hand.

 Unafraid, Olli does so and to my own surprise H doesn’t hurt him.

 

\--

 

‘Okay, what's this all about? Why are you suddenly so nice?’, I snap at my brother after Olli left us alone.

 ‘What? Oh well, I understand you’re suspicious. I’ll admit: I’ve never been nice so. But I feel this is the moment we should work together instead of arguing. Otherwise Olli’s plan will be ruined. And I can’t let that happen, right?’

 ‘Damn right. He is really trying his best and I believe in him’, I snort in reply.

H shakes our head.

 ‘About time. Anyway, now we finally have a mutual goal: help Olli and in that way, we’ll stop the execution and even more!’

 ‘We have to be careful, though. One small mistake and it might end for us all’, Jeremiah warns us.

I growl when my hand gets slapped across the face.

 ‘Jerry, cheer up, dude! You know this is the key to our freedom, right? Don’t be so pessimistic! Everything will be alright! Olli finally seems to know what he’s doing’, Hamartia growls.

 

\--

 

Jeremiah and Hamartia don’t argue anymore. I guess we’re all preparing for the “cancelled” execution.

 Meanwhile, Crazy brings us a visit.

It looks like it’s time to deliver Olli’s message to him.

 ‘Let me do the talking. I promise I won’t fuck things up, for I benefit of all this too’, Hamartia lisps.

 

When I wake up again, Hamartia lisps to Jani: ‘And finally, be a _good boy_ and don’t tell the Director, nor the guards nor the Normal Ones about this. _Not one word_. Even if it would cost you your life, okay?’

 Crazy nods and runs off.


	18. What side to choose? (A crazy new perspective)

Don’t tell Father. Don’t tell the Normal Ones. Only the Freaks need to know.

Hammy’s words keep gnawing at me.

 I’m feeling so confused right now.

 

The recent events have given me a lot to think about. Where do _I_ stand in all this?

 

 _Markus_ is my friend. He cares for me and now Father has hurt him so much, he has remained silent for almost three weeks. I’m glad he is recovering, though.

 _Jaska_ is also a friend. I like him enough that I care about him and I don’t want him to be killed. It has hurt me to see they’ve sewn his mouth shut. Like, how can he eat now?

 

But I also have my loyalty towards Father. He has raised me and all. I should be grateful to him. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him. I would’ve never existed. He likes to remind me of that almost every day.

 

As I start thinking about things, Father has done many bad things to the Freaks in the past. I remember the execution of the Twins. I remember three other public executions as well.

He has tortured a lot of them too.

Why was I okay with that? Why did I watch it happen? Because Father asked me nicely to do so.

 

 ‘Be a good boy, sonny, and help me, please?’

‘Yes, F-Father.’

 

There are moments Father has hit me but I deserved that punishment. It’s because I was a bad boy and Father doesn’t like it when I’m misbehaving. He wants me to be a _good_ boy.

 _I_ want to be a good boy to Father too.

I want to make him proud. I want him to love me but he has never shown me such affection.

 

I do know who _does_ give me affection. That’s Markus. It leads me to a conflict because I also have my loyalty towards Stitchy.

He has given me so much love through the years. I think I can never repay it all. I try my best to please Stitchy too.

But he says I don’t owe him anything. He says his love comes without needing something in return.

 That makes Markus very different from Father.

Father always wants me to repay him with things, actions. He gives and always expects something in return.

 I wished I had brothers in my head like Saaresto so I could ask them for advice.

But something, I don’t know exactly what, tells me I should side with my “own” people: the Freaks.

 

So now I’m torn between the Freaks and Father. Hammy told me I should obviously side with the Freaks.

I can’t disobey him. I don’t know why. Is it because I’m secretly intimidated by this Saaresto?

 Or maybe because he asked me so nicely?

 

\--

 

I wonder if my partner could help me. Although Jari is still young, he might have a fresh look on things.

 ‘Why are you so obedient to the Director?’ That question again.

‘B-Because he i-is my Father. I o-owe him my l-life.’

‘Just because he is your… father, doesn’t mean you should always obey him. In my eyes, he’s a malicious human being!’

 ‘Haven’t you seen what he did to Markus and Jaska?’, he adds.

Silently I nod.

 ‘S-sorry, I d-don’t know wh-what to d-do’, I mumble.

‘Look, Jani, if the Director was a _good_ father, he wouldn’t put you in a cage. Heck, a decent human being doesn’t do all the things he does! He’s downright monstrous. Please, Jani, try to see that’, Jari begs me.

 Jari reminds me a lot of Little Brother. Especially in how he talks to me about Father.

 

\--

 

The day of Jaska’s execution is getting closer every day. We haven’t encountered any troubles as far as I know. No more interrogations, nothing.

The Freaks have been silenced. Only a hand full of Freak have become braver. Little Brother’s plan has given them hope, has given them something to look forward to: a strong act of rebellion.

 

Everyone is preparing for the execution. Some Freaks are more tense. Me? I’m excited as always. I hope LB will succeed.

 

The Normal Ones don’t seem to notice the change of atmosphere or the way the Freaks talk and move.

The guards are, of course, stupid.

 

\--

 

A few days before the execution, I dream. Strange illogical visions plague my mind. Are they actual suppressed memories of my forgotten childhood or just horrible nightmares?

 

\--

 

I’m tied to a chair while receiving multiple electric shocks. I’m only a kid of seven.

 

The voice of a woman is heard. She cries out my name. A man with pale blue eyes rises in front of me.

 

I hear screaming. The cries are mine. _I’m_ screaming.

 

‘Be a good boy now and wake up, please?’ I obey. I don’t want to. There will be more pain, I’m sure of it. But my mind just changes. So easily. My body submits.

 

‘I will always love you, Jani’, the woman’s voice.

 

\--

 

‘Jani. Jani!’, Stitchy’s voice wakes me up. ‘M-Markus’, I stammer.

‘You had nightmares. But it’s all over now’, I see my friend on the other side of the bars.

 ‘Please, try to breathe calmly’, he whispers. ‘Give me your hand, Jani.’

I crawl towards him and take his hand in mine. He gives it a reassuring squeeze, bringing me back to the world of the living.

Stitchy is the only person I immediately listen to. Not because he asks me so nicely but because I truly _trust_ him.

 

‘I-I’m afraid th-those weren’t n-nightmares’. It doesn’t happen often that I cry, but now I feel like crying a whole river. I don’t know why.

 ‘You mean… they were repressed memories of your past?’, Markus guesses. I nod.

‘Hush, Jani. It will be alright. Try to sleep some more. You’ll need it’, my friend hushes me. I give myself over to him and try to sleep.

 ‘C-Can you k-keep my hand until I f-fall asleep?’, I murmur.

‘Of course’, Markus smiles.


	19. Burning Bodies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jari doesn't feel well about the whole situation they're getting into.

I can hardly sleep tonight. Tomorrow is _the_ day. One part of me doesn’t dare to look for Jaska’s eyes but I do it anyway.

Even though Olli has told us he has found a way to prevent it all, I’m still so afraid.

Jaska sits against the bars with Markus leaning against him. His arm is swung around Jaska’s shoulder. Jani has put his arms through the bars and embraces the taller man as well.

 ‘Come here, _Jari_ ’, Jaska smiles despite the threads that keep his mouth shut.

I crouch closer until I’m basically sitting on the tall man’s lap.

 ‘Don’t be afraid’, he mutters.

‘J-Jaska’, I snivel as I put my head against his chest. I can hear his heart beat. He caresses my head.

 ‘Olli knows what he’s doing’, Jaska murmurs through his mouth restraints.                   

‘But still’, I breathe. I don’t want to sound desperate or afraid but I am. What if everything goes wrong?

I feel so small in this world. Even though we, Freaks, are with many, the Director seems so much stronger and Olli is the only good one among the “Normal Ones”.

 ‘J-Just know that if you don’t make it, we will always remember you’, I murmur and feel stupid for the discouraging comment.

 Jaska seems to be fine with it.

‘It’s okay, Jari. I already thought this day would come, sooner or later. I’m ready.’

I see Markus grab tighter onto Jaska.

‘Damn. If we die tomorrow, we’ll die together. Know that I love you, guys’, Markus murmurs. I see some tears rolling down his cheeks.

In Crazy’s way of comforting, Jani licks the bald man’s head.

 ‘I w-will miss y-you all’, he confesses.

 

We all stay closer together than ever. With wild beating hearts we fall asleep.

 

\--

 

I wake up to a smoky smell. Quickly I get up and try to get used to the darkness around me but there isn’t much left of it. I find myself in a big cloud of smoke.

The sound of flickering fire is all around me. I hardly dare to breathe. Where are the others? Am I too late? Did Olli-

On the floor lays Markus. He seems to be unconscious. I try to wake him up.

‘Wake up, Markus!’

‘F-Fire! Fire e-everywhere!’, I now hear Jani screaming.

 ‘Jani! Where are the others? Where is Jaska?’, I yelp alerted.

‘T-They t-took him a-away already!’, Crazy cries out. I feel like a heavy stone drops down in my stomach.

Quickly I blink. I need to concentrate on escaping right now.

I give a glance at our door. It’s open! I try to wake Markus up anew.

 ‘MARKUS!’ without him reacting, I try to lift him up but it’s a real struggle for someone smaller and weaker than him.

 However, I manage to carry him very slowly. Once I’m out, I go for Jani’s cage. It’s locked. More despair fills my lungs.

 ‘I will get you out! I promise’, I cry. My mutated fingers make it difficult to do anything at all.

I tug and push against the lock but it just won’t budge.

 ‘It-It’s okay, Jari. Don’t c-cry. L-leave me b-be. I be-belong here. B-bye home’, Crazy is smiling.

‘Don’t say stupid things! I’m getting you out of here!’, I growl.

 My attempts are all in vain. Markus in the meantime has finally woken up.

I feel his hand on my shoulder.

 ‘We have to go’, he declares.

‘B-but Jani’, I stammer. Markus gives a saddened look at his friend in the other cage.

‘He has peace with it’, comes the taller man’s flat reply.

 ‘Bye b-bye, M-Markus a-and Jari’, Jani smiles.

Markus takes my hand and drags me out of the burning building. I scream.

 

Once we’re outside, we are greeted by a sea of fire. The sound of tortured souls fill the thick air.

I’m terrified.

 ‘Do you have any idea where the others are?’, Markus asks. I shake my head.

‘No, we need to find them!’

 ‘I’m afraid there’s no time left!’, Markus hisses.

I wriggle myself loose from his grip.

 ‘I’m going to find them! Whether that costs me my life or not!’, I snap.

Then a nearby part of a building crumbles down. ‘Watch out!’, Markus yells and pushes me aside.

With a terrified look I see how my friend gets crushed by the wood.

 ‘GO NOW!’

I run and I run. I don’t stop. Somewhere behind flames I think I notice Olli and the Director. They are fighting.

 ‘JARI!’, it’s Jaska. His mouth is bloody but he has cut his stitches. Before I know it, he picks me up and tries to get us to safety.

While we’re passing the main area, I hear someone yell and cry. I recognize it as Saaresto’s voice.

 

We couldn’t save the others. Suddenly Jaska trips and we’re caught in a real ring of fire.

There is no escape possible. We’re going to die. I start to cry. Jaska holds onto me.

He keeps my face away from the fire by pressing it against his chest.

 ‘See you on the other side’, he whispers.

I close my eyes and prepare for the worst pain I’ll ever experience.

 

\--

 

I scream and kick around me. Someone is trying to stop me.

 ‘JARI! WAKE UP!’, Markus is talking to me?

Once I dare to open my eyes, I’m still in our cell. There is no smoke. No fire. I’m safe… for now.

 ‘I-, I dreamt we all died’, I pant.

Markus is rubbing my back and Jaska gives me a worried expression.

 ‘Shh, Jari. We’re here for you’, Markus whispers to me before giving me a careful hug.

‘What t-time is it?’, I want to know.

‘It’s still morning. We’ll have to wait a whole day before it really happens’, Markus replies. I gulp.

 

\--

 

The whole day is spend in almost complete silence. The stone on my heart becomes heavier with the minute. I’m so not ready for this.

 I wonder if anybody is _really_ ready.


	20. Gunshots (Olli's Bloodied Logbook)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olli takes action.

I’ve prepared almost everything. Now I need a gun. I know some guards carry them and my father has a gun as well.

To get a weapon without someone noticing, is tricky. After I’ve done my daily routines, it’s already afternoon. I’m starting to get really nervous.

I still have a few long hours left before the execution will take place. It will happen during the After-aftershow.

 

Time to get a gun. I’ve made a copy of the list of guards when my father was not looking.

All the names, their ages, their shifts are on it. A wicked smile leaves my lips.

 Frank seems to fit my _personal_ schedule perfectly.

Under the guise of an “accident” I lure him to a more abandoned part of the Circus. It’s a place Jani once showed me.

 

\--

 

‘Please, I need your help!’, I fake some tears as I approach the guard.

‘What’s going on?’

‘C-come with me. I was going my merry way when I got attacked by a Freak. I think he is trying to escape!’

 ‘Do we need reinforcements?’

‘No, you will do. You have a gun after all’, I chuckle.

 

I guide the foolish guard to the flats of an abandoned part of the ancient theatre that’s more ruins than anything else.

 Then the supposed “escaped” Freak jumps in.

‘What’s going-’, Frank can’t finish his sentence before my partner in crime knocks him against the ground. I don’t give the guard the time to take his gun out.

 I do it for him.

‘Thank you, H’, I grin before I aim the pistol at the guard.

‘You filthy traitor! So you lured me. Now what? You’re going to shoot me? The Director already told me you’re a fucking coward. You’re too nice to pull the trigger. People will hear the gunshot. People will miss me.’

 ‘No one will miss you’, I snap. I now kneel down, attach the suppressor (I stole) onto the gun and press the barrel closer to Frank’s head.

 ‘You don’t have the gut-’, Frank growls but I don’t give the chance to say more. Blood flies over the whole darn place. I fall back and stare at the massacre _I_ created.

 ‘I knew you could do it’, Hamartia claps amused..

‘I-, I killed him’, I stammer in disbelief. This time, I’m _directly_ responsible for another human’s death.

  ‘Don’t worry, Olli, I’ll handle the body. Here, saved you a bag with clean clothes’, H nods reassuringly.

 

\--

 

Marko’s brother keeps his promise. The body’s gone and as expected, no one seems to care about Frank. I wonder if they even miss him. Guards come and go in a place like this.

 I look into the mirror. I stare into icy blue eyes. The eyes of a ruthless killer. Am I becoming what I’ve feared to become?

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. It’s show time and during the After-Aftershow the real play can begin.

 

\--

 

The moment no one has been waiting for arrives.

I sit on the first row in-between the white masked audience. Jaska is brought onstage. Chains around his ankles, wrists and neck. His eyes look dead already.

 Then he gets pushed on his knees. He bows his head in defeat.

The Director announces the “act”. The audience claps. I don’t. Hate starts to rule me.

Now a gun gets pressed to Jaska’s head.

 A crackling gunshot fills the otherwise quiet arena.

It’s not the gun of the Director. It’s _mine_.

 ‘YOU BLOODY IDIOT!’, my father screeches as he holds onto the inflicted wound in his leg.

The audience gasps in surprise. Do they think it’s all an act?

 I jump into the ring and manage to kick away my father’s gun.

‘Everything you’ve built will be gone’, I say calmly but my mind is screaming.

 ‘With a simple push of this button.’

‘No… don’t tell me… you son of a bi-’ Bam! Another shot in the other leg.

‘Looks like you _did_ teach me something useful after all… father’, I curse the last word.

 The button is pushed.

The very back of the circus simply explodes. Now the audience starts screaming as they try to escape.

 Perfect, I need the chaos.

 

While my father is a cursing mess, I free Jaska from his shackles and he helps me unlock the cages of the Freaks.

I’m not surprised to see all the guards rushing in. I look at my ammo. Thirty bullets.

 A few angered Odd Ones attack the guards immediately on sight. I can’t blame them but this wasn’t planned although I could’ve expected it.

Of course, Hamartia is one of them. Apparently he has managed to steal a gun. Dangerous combination. ‘Kill them all!’, he encourages the others while cackling like a maniac.

Soon all guards are either knocked out or killed. Most of the Different Ones have already escaped.

I’m glad for them because the whole circus begins to crumble down dangerously fast.

Everything seems to go in slow-motion for me but the shouting from my father snaps me back to reality.

 ‘JANI YOU FUCKTARD! YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD BOY,? WELL, _BE A GOOD BOY_ THEN AND KILL THIS USELESS IDIOT I USED TO CALL SON!’

  I feel like I’m getting pinned to the floor. My father has ordered Jani to _kill_ me.

Part of me does not want to believe it but I should’ve known. My father has never loved me.

Now Jani shuffles closer to me. His eyes are filled with confusion and fright. A rare expression of him. He has taken hold of a gun but with a shaking, hesitating hand he aims it at me. Is he crying?

 ‘Jani, please. Don’t do it!’, I can’t believe I’m begging for my life right now. Didn’t I secretly want to die?

‘DO IT!’, the Director shouts. Why won’t he die? How is he still alive? And will _I_ still be alive or is it over in a few seconds?

  My mind’s screaming as I endure the slowest seconds in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Olli has planted multiple explosives in the back of the circus. He uses a blasting machine to make it happen. Look, i'm not an expert in these things so rip for accuracy and reality :')  
> These explosives are usually used to free the way when the Circus is travelling and on the road.
> 
> Sorry for another cliffhanger :'(


	21. Pull the trigger (A crazy but clear pespective)

After I get freed by Little Brother, I jump out of the cage. Guards are rushing towards us.

Hammy is telling everyone to fight. He encourages me to do so as well.

I slightly hiss when I remove six small, hidden throwing knives from my pants. It bleeds a little but I don’t mind.

 It’s time for Crazy to play.

I don’t get the time to greet my friends for there are a lot of guards trying to attack us.

 Hammy just shot one guard in the face before he looks at me with his face splattered in blood.

 _Both_ his eyes are filled with bloodlust. The other Saarestos seem to be completely gone. ‘Be a good boy, dear Jani, and help me kill these filthy bastards!’

 He asks it nicely and so I help him.

My daggers hit their target like they always do. I laugh while I do so. This is pretty fun.

 

Suddenly the voice of Father calls me. I can’t help but ignore his screams. He curses at me. It slightly hurts me to hear him call me a fucktard.

Father actually _commands_ me to kill Little Brother.

 I don’t know how I got the gun, but all of a sudden I have one in my hand. It’s pointed at LB.

The look he gives me is heart-breaking. I tremble. I don’t want to kill my brother, my friend. Olli is a good guy. He is always nice to me and my friends.

 It feels like my eyes might pop out of my head if don’t stop staring like that.

‘DO IT!’

 

Be a good boy. Be a good boy. Be a good boy. _Be a good boy_. **_Be a good boy._**

 

The words keep swimming in my mind. They pull on my invisible strings as if I’m a mere puppet. The words want to control me _but_ this time, I’m stronger.

My mind isn’t getting troubled by those words anymore. Only now do I realize how much they affected my  life and my actions.

 I’m starting to listen to what’s _right_.

 

And the right thing for me to do right now is _not_ shooting Olli. I’ve never disobeyed Father but now I will.

 

‘N-No! I-, I’m n-not going t-to do it!’, I growl as I manage my body to lower the gun.

‘BE A GOOD BOY AND KILL HIM!’

I don’t listen to Father anymore. Instead of aiming it at Olli, I aim it at _Father_ but I’m still hesitating. I’ve never used a gun before. I’m only used to holding daggers in my hands.

 ‘ARE YOU TURNING AGAINST ME TOO NOW?!’, Father rages.

‘K-kill him. For me’, I get startled by Olli’s voice. The regained determination in Olli’s eyes make me flinch and pull the trigger by accident. I miss my target.

 I yelp when I feel a foreign hand grab mine.

When I look sideways I see it’s Wolfy.

 ‘If you’re not going to do it, I’ll help you’, he grunts irritated. One shot.

‘This is for you wanting to kill me, you monster!’

Two shots. ‘That’s from keeping my family away from me!’, the taller man barks.

 Three shots. ‘This one goes out to all victims of your freakshow!’

I see blood spatter out of the Director’s arms and then his chest. It makes me clutch onto my own chest.

 

 ‘F-Father’, I stammer in disbelief. He is still wriggling but his erratic movements start to decrease.

‘He is not your _real_ father’, comes Stitchy’s voice behind me.

  ‘Wh-What do y-you m-mean?’

‘I should’ve told you earlier but I didn’t think you would be ready to face that truth, Jani. I’m sorry for that’, Markus confesses but I forgive him.

 ‘It-It’s alright, M-Markus.’

‘Playtime is over, we need to get moving or we will all be crushed by this horrible place!’, Wolfy now reminds us.

 

\--

 

We start moving away from the collapsing circus tent.

 ‘Marko!’, I hear LB yell. When I look behind me, I see him trying to approach Saaresto. He seems to be arguing with his brothers. How silly of him. This is not the right place to do so!

 ‘We need to keep moving!’, Wolfy growls at us.

‘B-But Olli and Saaresto! We can’t leave them behind!’, my youngest friend speaks up. I’m glad to see he is alive. I run over to him. He just crouched out of his cage. He must’ve been frightened by all  the violence.

 ‘Jari! So g-glad to s-see you!’, I exclaim as I hug him and give him a lick across the cheek.

‘Leave us be! I can handle this! Go now! I didn’t do all this for nothing!’, Little Brother shouts at us.

Reluctantly Jari follows Wolfy, Stitchy and me.

 

\--

 

Once we’ve made it outside, there’s no sign of the other Freaks. They must’ve escaped already.

Other buildings have caught fire as well. We need to move quick or we’ll end up like Jari’s nightmare.

While we’re trying to get away from the chaos, Jari stops.

 ‘What is it?’, Stitchy huffs.

‘I hear someone crying!’, the younger man replies worried.

 ‘A b-baby!’, I deduct. All three Freaks look at me bewildered.

‘He’s right!’, Wolfy now growls.

 

And so we unanimously agree to save the baby.

The poor thing lays in a crate, almost surrounded by fire. Jari, however, shows no fear and takes the baby in his arms. ‘Let’s go now!’

 

We run again.

Our escape is close. We see an opening and-

 A fat beam which is on fire surprises us.

It clashes in-between us and separates Markus from us.

 This time I scream his name too.

But there’s nothing we can do to help. The fire is increasing and we can’t go behind the wall of fire.

 ‘Markus!’, Jari yells. He tries to go near the fire but he is not thinking clearly because of his emotions.

I stop him.

 ‘No! Jari! Y-you come w-with us! We c-can’t l-lose you t-too!’, I snivel, thinking LB and Saaresto probably didn’t make it.


	22. Rid of the monsters inside your head (End of a Soliloquy?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why did Marko stay behind?

I’ve passed out with Jeremiah.

Once I wake up, it feels like I’m in a living nightmare.

Hamartia’s havoc is done. He is breathing heavily. His hands, his face, everything is just covered in blood. Around him are the lifeless bodies of guards.

 The Freaks and the perverted audience are gone.

Olli, Markus, Jari, Jaska and Crazy Jani are the only remaining Freaks. I see the Director is good as dead.

 

‘What have you done? _This_ was _not_ part of the agreement!’, I snap at him.

‘I did it to protect the others. To protect _us_ ’, Hamartia nonchalantly replies.

 ‘W-What have y-you done’, comes Jeremiah softer voice. Our hands tremble as he looks at the blood. It sticks to us like a second layer of skin.

 ‘Jerry! You’re back! What do you think of my masterpiece?’, H chuckles.

‘You call this a _masterpiece_?! You can’t take joy in killing them! That makes you be on the same level as them!’, for the first time Jeremiah snaps.

He makes my body stand on its trembling feet again.

‘You liked it huh? You liked killing them?’

‘Of course! They treated us like shit. I don’t care about ethics anyway’, Hamartia huffs.

 Suddenly our hand slaps me so hard across the face, I fall against a crate.

 ‘JERRY, WHAT THE FUCK?!’, Hamartia screeches.

‘You deserved it!’, Jeremiah spits.

Meanwhile H quickly regains his arrogant posture and questions me: ‘And what does Marky think of it?’

‘You. Disgust. Me’, I pronounce each word carefully. I take a quick look around me again.

The circus is falling apart just like me. What have I become?

 

The people, I secretly called friends, run off. I’d like to join them but I still need to finish some things with my brothers.

I’m getting tired of their ever-present voices in my head. Jeremiah is okay because he keeps his thoughts and voice to himself. But Hamartia has to be gone before I leave this place. If I can’t succeed, I’d rather die than leave this place and-

 ‘MARKO!’, Olli is calling me.

I look for him and see he’s running towards me. 

 ‘Back off!’, I warn him. Tears are rolling down Olli’s cheeks.

‘I won’t leave without you, Marko!’, Olli counters but he now just stands there. A few meters away from me and my crazy mind. I’m glad he listened to my warning.

I don’t want him to get any closer or he might get hurt by Hamartia. Heck, since Jeremiah’s sudden outburst from a few minutes ago, I don’t even know if I can still trust him.

 

 ‘You… you planned this from the start, didn’t you?’, J stutters in disbelief as he tries to read my mind. He normally keeps to his own thoughts but this time apparently not.

 ‘What?’, I try to block both brothers out of my mind.

‘Kill us! You wanted to kill us this whole time, huh?!’, Hamartia now barks at me. He wraps our hands around _my_ throat. I hiss.

Olli is heard screaming.

 ‘Olli! Get away from here! I can handle it! Please, go! For the sake of me, Marko! For your _own_ sake! You _deserve_ to live! I don’t! Go now before this whole place is turned to ashes!’, I manage to gasp while Hamartia is still trying to choke me.

In my mind, I push him against a non-existing wall. I have the control over my body again.

 ‘I-, I won’t leave you, Marko! Please!’, Olli begs me. Innumerable tears blurring the makeup around his eyes.

‘GO! LEAVE ME! YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME ANYWAY! I CAN’T BE SAVED!’, I scream and am surprised my lungs didn’t snap because of the outburst.

 I don’t want to say it like that but I want Olli to live.

After everything he has done for us, he _must_ escape as well.

And now that fool is awaiting a certain death because of a mentally sick man like me.

Me, the “Great Saaresto”. The idiot who thought this Circus could find a cure for him. The idiot who willingly handed himself over to this wicked place.

 Finally Olli does as I say.

‘I… I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything for you, Marko. I truly am. I-, goodbye now.’

 

With pain in my heart I see Olli leave but I hope he makes it out alive.

 

Once he’s out of sight, I get to focus completely on my brothers again. Hamartia tries to take control of my legs.

 ‘Fuck you two! I’m not letting you escape!’, I snarl. None of them will make it out alive. I will be the only Saaresto alive.

 Or so I hope.

 

I look around me. I spot one of Jani’s daggers and take it in my hand.

‘Are you seriously going to k-kill us? Kill me?’, Jeremiah sounds shocked.

‘Yes. And if I don’t succeed, I’ll make sure none of us will live’, I hiss. The only thing I need to do now, is kill my right part.

 ‘I won’t let you do that’, H lets the dagger fall out of my hand. I curse.

My attempt to take the knife again is difficult but I’m close to another crate. With all my strength I smash the right part of my face against it. It leaves me with some serious bruises. Just as I want it.

 It has become a bit more silent in my head now.

I only hear my brothers grunt and moan in pain.

 Quickly I grasp the knife. I inhale deeply before I let the knife cut through my skin and eye.

My screams together with the burning fire is the only thing that fill this tent.

I try to withstand the pain as I make sure the right part of my face gets wiped away.

 

\--

 

My work’s done. Now it’s time to leave. _If_ I still have that chance. My head hurts but at least the voices in my head are gone now. It’s strange: knowing that Hamartia and Jeremiah are no more.


	23. Into the water (Olli's Logbook)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we follow Olli's escape from the circus

My heart’s beating like crazy as I make my way out of the Circus. While my body is moving on autopilot, my mind is with Marko still.

I can’t believe I didn’t drag him with me. I can’t believe I left him to die there. What he told me, breaks my heart. He said he can’t be cured, that I don’t understand him.

Maybe he’s right but I don’t want to believe it. There must’ve been a cure, right?

And I always attempted to understand him and his way of thinking. Even tried to understand his brothers.

But everything seems to have been in vain.

Although he screamed that at me, a part of me wants to believe he said that to save my life. He probably knew it would trigger me to get away even if that meant leaving him behind.

 I wonder what he is up to. Is he really just waiting to die in that burning mess?

Or did he have something planned? I may never get to know. The thought of it makes me slightly dizzy.

Despite the hell he is in now, I try to root for him although it seems to be a lost case.

 

I should focus on getting out of here. If I’m correct, there are some woods nearby, separated by a river.

 Is it a safe solution? I don’t know where else to go but I know if I don’t leave this place soon enough, I’ll be swallowed by the fire.

 

There are still some openings here and there and I simply run for it. I hear someone shouting. I can hear a name. It’s my mine.

In the distance I see some figures standing.

 ‘Over here! Quickly!’

I look at the circus one last time. I’m sure Marko wouldn’t survive this. I bite my lip and keep myself from mourning. That’s for later.

 I run towards the strangers in the distance. Finally I can see them.

It’s Jari, Jaska and Jani. Markus isn’t with them. My stomach feels bad and I have to puke before continuing my sprint towards them. They’re on the other side of the river.

 

 ‘There’s path there!’, Jaska shouts at me. He’s correct. There are a few rocks on which I can step.

 ‘B-Be care-careful O-Olli!’, Jani warns me.

Jaska is already standing on the riverbank, sticking his hand out for me.

 The stones are slippery and I need all my concentration to keep my balance.

I get interrupted by a scream. Marko? Did he-?

 Then I make the mistake to look behind me. Nature is unforgiving and the water tries to throw me off the rocks.

 I scream when I start falling but then Jaska’s firm grip around my wrist keeps me from falling into the water.

 His hand gets accompanied by Jani’s. Together the two men pull me out of the river.

Once I’m back on the dry land, I stare at the other side of the river. Someone’s approaching.

 ‘Marko!’ My heart begins to beat a hopeful song but I desperately try to stop it.

‘Be careful!’, Jaska hisses.

 ‘You’re afraid?’, I grunt in all my mixed emotions.

‘No. I could take Hamartia. But… you’re not thinking clear now. Honestly, I don’t think many people are, though. But I don’t want you to do foolish things now. We don’t want to lose you’, the man tells me.

 I snivel because he’s right.

 

There’s some relief when I see it’s indeed Marko. How did he make it out alive and-

Again some hope gets crushed when I see his face. It’s heavily mutilated. Did he inflict this on himself?

 ‘We are here!’, I start waving.

 

Carefully Marko walks over the same path as I did. But he has even more trouble than me.

My heart stops beating for a second when he falls in the middle of the river.

 ‘MARKO! NO!’

I don’t care about my own safety anymore. I didn’t rescue him then, in the burning circus, but I’m sure I will save him this time around!

 Without hesitation I jump right into the water. The stream seems to become stronger or maybe I’m just starting to get weaker.

 Either way, I manage to swim towards my friend.

‘O-Olli?’, the man looks in a strange daze. I see some wounds must’ve been burnt shut. Just like me, he’s fighting the flow of the water.

 I grab his right arm.

He feels heavy as I attempt to swim back to the shore. Jaska and Jani are reaching out for us.

 I try to take their hand.

But Marko and I have become too heavy. My hand is also too slippery to hold onto properly.

Jaska curses, Jari shrieks and Jani silently cries when they lose contact with my hand and both Marko and I get dragged into the river once more.

We drift more away until we reach a nature-built blockade. 

 

The stream’s so strong, we  get smashed against the barricade. I manage to climb onto it for a bit and try to pull Saaresto with me. He’s drifting between being awake and being unconscious.

 ‘It’s going to break!’, I hear Jari panic.

He’s true. Marko’s slipping away from my weak hand. If I don’t do something, he’ll be crushed by the wood. I can’t do anything but one thing to keep it from happening.

 With my remaining strength, I stick out my leg to save Marko from the falling “wall”.

‘T-Thank you, Olli’, he murmurs before his face disappears under water. I scream. Not only because of Marko but also the darn blockade crushing down on my leg.

 Without realizing it, Jaska manages to pull me back to the shore. Through my tears I see how Marko is drifting away.

 ‘We… We need to save him!’, I sob.

‘But your leg is hurt!’

 ‘My leg can wait!’, I snap but my friends drag me away from the water.

‘We’ll have to amputate your leg, I’m afraid.’

From all the stress I pass out.


	24. Alone (Patchwork's Diary)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lame title. Anyway, let's see what happened to Markus after he got separated from the rest :O

The fire is closing in on me. I need to get out. Breathing becomes difficult as black smoke and ash get into my mouth and nose. I cough uncontrollably. I become lightheaded.

 There’s one small opening but it means I probably catch fire when jumping. I _have_ to take the risk no matter what.

 I howl as I rush forward and throw myself over the broken wall.

As expected, my vest catches fire and panicked I throw it off me. Luckily nothing else is on fire.

I proceed to run away. From what I understand about my surroundings, there’s a forest nearby.

 I’m surprised to see very subtle arrows made from cloth or broken objects on the ground and on walls of the remaining circus.

I bet the other Freaks must’ve done that to guide others to safety. I could be wrong of course but we’ve been through so much already, I decide to take yet another risk.

 

Finally I reach a river. I’m dog-tired but I need to keep going. No sign from the others. I just hope they’re doing okay and found a way out.

We should’ve thought about a meeting point once we’d escape the circus. But we didn’t. Maybe because we all secretly thought escape would be a lost case.

 

Now it’s time to cross that darn river.

 

In the darkness it looks like black water. It makes me dizzy.

I’ll have to be careful. Multiple curse words escape my mouth as I wobble over the slick stones.

 I want to scream but my mouth gets filled with water after both feet lose contact with the stones.

My head hits a stone underwater but I remain conscious.

I’m going to die, I think.

 

Somehow my heart calms down as my whole body disappears underwater.

I feel almost weightless and let myself get carried by the stream. Should I let my lungs fill with water? Should I still fight it? Maybe this is for the best?

 My mind starts to drift away.

 

\--

 

‘No, father please! I don’t want to!’

‘Don’t call me “father”. You’re going to endure this surgery whether you like it or not!’

Uncountable tears roll down a kid’s cheeks. Eventually I stop crying.

 

‘Markus, you’re our only hope.’

 

‘You’re the living proof Freaks can survive and be strong. They need you!’, Olli pleads.

 

‘I d-don’t know wh-what to do if y-you’d die, M-Markus’, Jani’s voice.

 

Survive. Escape. _Live_.

 

\--

 

My eyes snap open. A new wave of water fills my mouth. My arms start to move on their own and get me back to the surface. I gasp for air and start coughing violently.

 I’m in a broader but calmer part of the river. My exhausted limbs swim me to the shore. As soon as I don’t have the risk of drowning anymore, I fall down and lay still.

The night sky with million stars greet me. I think about the drawings Crazy once showed me.

Slowly I count the constellations and the art Jani saw in them. It calms me down.

 

\--

 

It takes me a long time to recover. My whole body is still shaking from the cold. The soggy clothes stick onto me.

Arms and legs are aching. I’m just glad I survived it. I’ll have to find a sleeping place so I can face another day. Tomorrow I’ll look for my friends and hopefully I’ll find them all alive.

 Aimlessly I stare at the dark river.

I’m startled to see something move. Is it… a dead body? I crawl up and despite my pain I walk towards the water again.

 I turn my eyes to slits and peer at the thing in the water.

It’s definitely a person. I wade into the water and gasp when I recognize the person. It’s Saaresto.

 

Now I don’t hesitate anymore and manage to pull him ashore. Hopefully I’m not too late.

I shriek when I see the horrible scar in his face.

Without hesitating I start to perform CPR. I hope I’m doing it right because it’s been a long time since I had to do that. Last time, I failed.

 ‘C’mon, Saaresto. Don’t you dare to die on me now!’, I snarl.

I cry out when he finally starts breathing again and even coughs up some remaining water. He shows a pained expression.

 First I expect Hamartia to greet me with a fist in my face but that doesn’t happen.

It looks like Marko Saaresto is looking at me with his still intact eye. He now forces a small smile on his damaged lips.

 ‘Markus…’, he grunts. Then he coughs up some blood. I make him sit up and rub his back.

‘Thank god, you made it!’, I snivel.

 ‘Olli… He saved me… from g-getting crushed by a b-blockade’, Saaresto stammers.

‘So did… did he make it?’, I ask afraid.

 ‘Jari, Jaska and Jani made it. I think Olli too but I was half unconscious when Olli saved me.’

‘Oh, dear god, have mercy with us’, I beg the non-existent heavens and gods.

 

\--

 

‘What happened to your face?’, I finally dare to ask after Saaresto has recovered more.

‘Cauterization. All by myself’, the man grins wickedly. He really _is_ a madman, huh?

‘But why, Saaresto?’,  I can actually guess but still.

‘My brothers needed to be dead before I left’, Saaresto grunts. ‘By the way, you can call me Marko now that there are no more Saarestos left but me’, he chuckles.

 ‘Oh, okay.’

‘I’m sorry, Markus, for spitting at you. Sorry for everything me and my brothers ever  did’, Marko apologizes. I can hear the sincerity in his voice.

‘It’s alright. Let’s try to rest now. Tomorrow we’ll try to find the others.’

‘I think they’re in the woods’, Marko assumes.

 ‘I hope so. We better get into the forest as well now. Can you walk?’, I mutter.

‘Yes. Can you?’, he asks me concerned.

 ‘I’ll manage. I’m just so tired.’

Arm in arm, supporting each other, we stumble away from the river.


	25. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> REST

We’re getting deeper into the woods to rest and amputate Olli’s heavily damaged leg. Luckily for him, he is unconscious when it happens.

It’s a painful task to do for we do not have any weapons or so we _thought_.

I shouldn’t be surprised to see Crazy Jani pull some knives out of his darn _pants_. Seriously, how much can one man hide his pants?

 ‘Really?’, Jaska grunts at the crazy guy as he reveals the blades.

‘A-always c-come p-prepared’, he giggles. He wants to help but the taller man insists he doesn’t have to.

 ‘Leave it to me. Maybe you can help Jari with the baby instead?’

Jani agrees and jumps over to me. I’m sitting down with the baby. I try to calm the poor thing down.

 ‘B-baby!’, Crazy excitedly kneels down by me and gives the baby an endearing look.

‘I’m glad we managed to save this little creature’, I out. But it immediately makes me think about Markus. Again I was selfish and now we lost him because of me. I’m a horrible egotistical person.

 Why did I want to save that baby when we could’ve escaped _with_ Markus.

I curse. ‘Fuck.’

 ‘N-not i-in front of th-the baby!’, Jani stammers.

‘Jani! Come over here! I actually _do_ need your help now!’, Jaska suddenly shouts.

I look over at him and Olli. Quickly I turn my gaze away. I don’t think I could stomach that amputation scene.

 So now I give my attention to the baby again.

I could save this random unknown baby but I couldn’t save Markus. I feel stupid and useless.

I wonder if Saaresto made it out alive. It didn’t look like it.

 

\--

 

Jani has somehow managed to create a small but safe fire to help with Olli’s leg.

 ‘It’s done’, Jaska finally announces and I walk over to them with the baby.

 The tall man gives me a soft smile. ‘How’s little bird doing, Mushroom Head?’ When he calls me by my nickname, he winks at me in a teasing way.

 ‘I think I managed to calm him down’, I murmur. Just as I say that, the baby starts crying again.

 ‘C-Can Cr-Crazy Ja-Jani hold the l-little bird?’, Jani sticks out his arms in an almost desperate way. I give Jaska a questioning look. He nods.

 ‘Be careful! Don’t hurt the baby!’, I warn.

Jani nods heavily. He’s jumping from one foot to the other before I hand over the baby.

He carefully takes it in his arms and sits down like a normal human being. Then he starts cradling the baby.

 I’m a bit surprised by his gentleness.

‘Hush, hush, birdy. Mommy is here’, Jani sings an incomprehensible lullaby to the baby but it seems to calm the infant.

 For a moment I let myself get carried by the lullaby as well. For a short moment I forget about the situation we’re in.

 ‘I didn’t know you could sing!’, Jaska says amazed.

Then Olli seems to have woken up. He looks confused and hurt.

 ‘J-Jani? Is.. Is that you?’, he mutters. We all look at the blond man.

‘B-Brother!’, Jani cackles. For a sec I thought he would just drop the baby out of his lap but he doesn’t. He stands up and keeps the baby in his arms as he wobbles over to Olli.

 ‘H-How y-you doing?’, he asks.

‘My leg. It itches and- _oh god_!’, Olli stammers as he notices how the half of his left leg is gone. He doesn’t faint, luckily.

 ‘It-It’s a-alright. T-The bleeding h-has stopped!’, Jani reassures him. Tears are filling his eyes as he now watches the baby in Jani’s arms.

‘C-Can I have him too?’, he whispers. Jani nods.

Olli lets the baby rest on his lap. ‘Hey there, little one. You are one of the strong survivors now.’

 

\--

 

The same night there’s no campfire. One: fire is what got us almost killed in the first place. Two: it might attract unwanted people or animals.

 ‘What are we going to do tomorrow?’ I want to know.

‘See where the other people are. Maybe… just maybe we find Markus too’, Jaska says. He almost whispers his best friend’s name.

 ‘I just need to know if he’s alive or not. Just a body would be enough’, the older man sighs and holds back a sob.

 ‘I want to look for Marko’, comes Olli’s silent voice. ‘And as you said, Jaska, I simply need to know whether he really didn’t make it. I-, I was so close. So close!’

The  man cries and I try to comfort him.

 

 ‘No matter what happens from now on, we’ll stick together. We’ve survived all those horrible years in the circus together and now that we’re free, we’ll survive as well.’

Jaska sounds sure and I want to believe him.

 ‘Let’s try to sleep now. It will be another rough day tomorrow. I’ll keep watch. Jari and Jani, we’ll take turns if that’s fine with you.’

 ‘Y-Yay!’

‘I’ll try my best. But I’m one of the weak ones here’, I murmur. It’s not that I don’t want to keep watch but if something were to happen, I don’t know if I could protect my friends.

 ‘You’re not weak. You’ve become a strong guy. I believe in you’, Olli mutters to me as he’s already falling asleep.

 ‘That’s damn right! You are no longer the Mushroom Head of three years ago, Jari’, Jaska adds with a grin.

‘E-exactly! Y-You’re s-strong and e-enduring!’, Jani pats my shoulders.

 ‘Thank you, everybody’, I murmur as I now really lay down.

In the meantime Jaska seems to have washed his hands.

 ‘You can give the baby to me, Jari’, he says. First the baby starts crying but suddenly stops after Jaska cradles it.

 ‘Whoa, you’re pretty good with babies’, I stammer.

It makes Jaska laugh.

 ‘Of course. Many years ago I had to take care of my little baby sister’, he gives me a warm smile before paying attention to the baby in his arms.


	26. Apology (Marko's Soliloquy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will the guys finally reunite?

Something on my face wakes me up. I open one eye for the other can’t be opened for some reason.

The blurred image tells me it’s a bird. I grunt when the creature leaves my face. As I try to sit up my head starts to ache and feels painfully swollen. Where am I?

Where are my brothers? I can’t hear them? Are they still sleeping? When I  carefully rub over the right part of my face, I feel thick and uneven skin.

It feels like scar tissue but the wound feels fresh nonetheless.

 ‘Marko, you’re awake’, a voice calls out to me. A familiar face greets me and it feels like every memory comes back to me. It hits me like a train in the face.

 ‘Where are we?’

‘Still in the forest. I was considering to walk back to the riverbank and walk upwards, hoping to find the others’, Markus informs me. When I hiss in pain he asks: ‘Can you still walk?’

‘I’m fine.’

I want to know if _Olli_ managed to get on the dry land again

Once again, the idiot tried to save me.

 ‘Okay, let’s go then.’

 

\--

 

When we’ve reached the waterside I look at the sky: untroubled. It almost looks like nothing happened yesterday if it wasn’t for some remaining smoke coming from the distance.

‘The river has calmed down’, I notice.

  ‘Good because we’ll need to cross it eventually’, the bald man huffs. Now that the sun’s shining, I inspect him.

His clothes are heavily torn, like mine. Yet he seems to have made it out with less wounds like me, except for that sore looking wound on the back of his head.

 ‘Aren’t you hurt too?’, I ask him.

‘Huh? Oh… a little bit. But it’s starting to heal already’, Markus replies. We keep walking in silence.

 I finally dare a glance into the water. I gasp. The whole right part of my face looks like it just melted. It makes me stand still for a second.

Markus notices: ‘What do you think about it? Now that you have a quieter mind? Well, I assume you have, now that your “brothers” are gone.’

 I sigh.

‘It still feels strange. I don’t want to say I feel lonely now but I’ll have to get used to such privacy!’, I snicker.

 

As we continue our walk, I realize that I’ll probably have to face the others. I’m starting to feel unsure and nervous.

What will everybody think of me? Could they forgive me for everything bad I’ve done? Should they forgive?

  I always “blamed” Hamartia for the bad things but what if I did it myself? And what if I really am mad and that there never were “brothers”? I’m starting to really doubt myself and everything I’ve said and done in the past.

 What will Olli think about me now?

So many uncertainties and questions go through my head, I almost didn’t notice people approaching in the distance.

 A quick glance at Markus tells me it’s the other group.

My heart starts to beat faster and when I see Olli is among the group.

\--

 

This time it’s a lot easier to cross that damned river.

 

‘MARKUS!’, Jaska cries out. That guy can’t be quick enough to run to his friend he probably thought was dead.

Now I notice Jari’s carrying a _baby_ in his hands. And Jani is supporting Olli because… his leg.

Of course, Olli sacrificed it for me and now he must’ve thought it was all in vain because I still got dragged into the water.

 The young blond lets go off Jani and hops over to me.

‘Marko!’

 ‘Y-You fool!’, I yell when I see him trip. I act quick and catch him in mid-air.

‘You made it! Together with Markus!’, Olli snivels as he clutches onto me.

 ‘It takes more than just nature  and some crazy brothers to kill me!’, I joke. Then I add: ‘Just when will _you_ stop doing foolish things to save a bastard like me?’

 ‘Leaving you behind was the only foolish thing. I mean, what happened to you and your face?!’

‘I-, how do I put this?’, I mutter. Now I stare at the others. They’re all looking at me.

 

‘I managed to get rid of my brothers by erasing this part of my face. I know it looks pretty ugly but now you only have to deal with _one_ Saaresto. But all jokes aside now, I want to apologize’, I mutter as I stare at the ground.

 ‘I know I can’t make up for all the bad deeds I’ve done and-’

Jaska interrupts me: ‘It’s alright, Saaresto. We’ve all done some bad things in the past. I, myself, want to apologize to you guys as well.’

 ‘You guys can finally call me Marko now’, I announce with a smile. ‘Don’t be afraid to call me that. I won’t snap at you anymore. Nor are there stupid brothers who do that.’

Now Jari speaks up: ‘Ah, that reminds me of something! This baby we found, it still needs a name.’

I carefully walk over to the youngest member of the group to look at the baby.

 

The little thing has a healthy looking skin. Hazel eyes look into my remaining eye.

The baby giggles and smiles at me and it warms my heart. Sometimes I really doubted if I actually had a heart. A few tears roll down my cheek.

 ‘You’re so cute’, I muse as I let the baby play with my hand.

‘She survived the fire’, Jari states. ‘I heard her scream and had to save her. I’m sorry, Markus.’

‘It’s alright. I’m so glad every one of us made it out alive’, Markus replies to that.

 I sniff.

This baby here, this young beating heart, has a whole future ahead. A future of _freedom_ that is. To know that, gives me hope.

 A light sparks in my head.

‘I think I found a good name for the baby’, I declare.


	27. Jaska

It should be a stupid idea but we did return to the Circus. Or whatever that was left of it.

The smouldering ashes, black ruins and coal grazed the open space where once the Circus stood.

I wonder if the other Freaks made it out alive. I don’t care about the “Normal Ones”. Good riddance to them, I think bitterly. They ignored our misery completely.

In the distance I spot some people. They’re wandering through the ruins of it all.

 ‘Are those… other Freaks?’, Jari asks concerned.

‘Probably.’, Markus replies .

‘Pungent smell’, I grunt as I inhale the air.

‘The end of Circus Crazie. No more legacy and for that I’m grateful’, Olli hisses. He clenches his one fist. With the other hand, he leans on Marko. Then there’s pure silence among us.

And so we simply stare for a while.

 It gives us some time to think about things and what our next step should be.

 

\--

 

Yes, the Circus doesn’t give me pleasant memories.

I’ve probably erased most painful memories but there are some memories burnt into me forever.

 

One example is the Twins: Clara and Lara.

They must’ve been around the age of seven when they were brought to the Circus by their uncle and aunt. Their mother had died after giving birth to them and their father was so ashamed, he simply left them to die. The aunt and uncle took care of twins after that but soon they realized raising a Siamese twin wasn’t easy.

They dumped them in this Circus and sentenced them to death by doing that.

 

There are more memories of rookies I’ll remember forever.

All their stories are so sad and have tragic endings. One worse than the other.

In the beginning, I used to write some of their stories down in my diary. But after some time, I just gave up. Especially after the “explosion of rookies”. The year the Circus brought in so many. So many, our cells simply overflowed. It was a horrible experience.

And more than the half didn’t make it. So I decided to write down all their names together with their ages.

 The lists kept expanding.

But now the lists have reached their end. And the last person on the list survived: Jari.

 

I never thought he would survive.

My mind kept telling me the Director would get rid of him eventually if he got displeased with Jari’s performance. Maybe Jari wouldn’t be able to bear it anymore and commit suicide. It wouldn’t be an unusual thing to do for newbies.

Another case would be: him dying during one of the dangerous performances.

And last but not least: he could’ve been sold by some other perverted freak for a good sum of money. I’ve seen that occur too.

But none of that happened and therefore I am grateful. Very thankful.

 

But next to the horrible events that took place here, I also have to remind myself that a few of the blissful moments in my life happened _here_. In this actual horrible place.

Like I found another family in some of these people here.

 

Markus, for example, has become my best friend and dare I say we might be something more than just friends.

He has kept my hopes up and I tried to encourage him. We’ve found strength in each other. He has helped me get used to this “lifestyle” when I just got into the Circus.

And now, that beautiful guy is on my side.

 

Even Crazy Jani has helped me go through it all in his own special way. He reminds me of a clown sometimes.

Doing funny but dangerous stuff and all. Even though he could irritate the hell out of me, he was also a bit the comic relief to me and the others.

I wonder if behind all that cheerfulness lays a sadder story. It must be, it can’t be different. None of the Freaks have a happy backstory.

 

 Saaresto I never clearly understood. He was a strange man who said he had “brothers” in his head. In the beginning I tried to talk some sense in him but it seemed to be impossible.

So I decided to go along with him and treated him as different persons. Apparently it helped to communicate and work together with that guy.

But I felt sorry for Saaresto.

Must be tough, having continuous voices in your head.

I’m glad he made it out alive and is in a more serene state now.

 

And finally there’s the man responsible for our escape: Olli.

Olli cared about us and it made us care about him as well. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve never gotten those letters of my sister. I would never know she was still alive and that my family in fact did come look for me.

He has done so much for us and it’s good to know he’s one of the surviving members of the big fire.

 

Yes, that’s what will be remembered from the Circus.

It managed to keep me here for thirteen years. Many years of suffering and humiliation.

That also means I haven’t seen my family for thirteen years.

 I don’t know what happened to them. Are they still alive?

The last letter I got from my sister was three years ago.

 

\--

 

I think the first thing I’ll do is try to find a new home. After that’s established, I’ll try to look for my family. I yearn to see them again

I want to know how my wonderful sister looks now. Last time I’ve seen her I was only twenty years old and she was still thirteen.

I hope I can still see my parents grow old.                                          

If I don’t succeed on finding a decent home first, I’ll just roam the world. Maybe I should ask the others to come with me unless they got other plans.

Heck, I wouldn’t even mind to make a long journey with them together because they’ve become my second family.


	28. Jani

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Crazy Jani think of it?

 

With almost protruding eyes I stare at the sight in front of me. I can’t believe it. The circus is gone. My _home_ is gone. There’s nothing to return to now.

Father is dead. But should I really call him my Father? Markus told me Father isn’t my real father.

It makes me so confused. Who is my _real_ father then? And where is my mother?

Does that also make Olli _not_ my Little Brother? It makes me feel sad because I really looked at him as a younger brother.

 ‘O-Olli?’, I hesitate.

The blond man gives me a smile.

 ‘What is it, Jani?’

‘I’m s-sad. K-Knowing there’s n-no home t-to return t-to.’

Olli frowns his eyebrows. ‘We’ll find a new and _better_ home’, he promises. He uses his free hand to take mine.

 ‘Wh-what hurts me m-more is you, L-Little Brother’, I continue.

‘Why’s that? Is it because of my leg? Don’t worry, we’ll find a doctor for it. But Jaska did a pretty good job on amputating it’, Olli replies.

 ‘N-no! Y-you don’t under-understand me! It h-hurts me t-to know y-you’re not m-my real brother’, I snivel.

Olli’s smile turns into a sad face now.

Markus chuckles and comments: ‘You know, Jani, you don’t have to be blood related to someone to consider them _real_ family. I mean, look at you guys, you’ve become my family even though some of you are not biologically connected.’

 Olli now nods and says: ‘Markus is right. We may not be blood related but I do consider you as a _true_ brother of mine.’

 ‘T-Thank you, O-Olli’, I say, wiping away some tears. Then I hug Olli.

After that, I hug the others as well before my focus goes back to the burnt Circus.

 

\--

 

I wonder what will happen now. The Circus doesn’t exist anymore. There is no cage to sleep in anymore. Where will I sleep now?

Who will give us food? Are we still going to practice our aerobatics and tricks? Or won’t I be able to play with knives anymore?

When I look into my pants, it gets accompanied by some sighs from the other Freaks. I still have five lovely knives left. The one with Olli’s blood on got thrown away by Jaska. He said I didn’t need it anymore. I said I could lick it clean or use a towel but he said it was no good.

I kind of miss that knife. It had a lively blue colour. It reminded me of Olli’s eyes.

There are more questions remaining. Where are the other Freaks? From what I understood and saw, they escaped. Some of the Normal Ones must’ve escaped as well but I swear I saw some bodies laying around in the destroyed Circus.

I should go back.

 ‘You can’t go into those ruins!’, Markus has warned me but I want to see if there’s still some useful stuff left. Besides, I really _need_ my trustworthy knives with me.

 

\--

 

Eventually Saaresto decides to join me on my scavenging trip among the ruins while the other Freaks stay closer to the forest.

 ‘S-So wh-where a-are your br-brothers?’, I want to know.

‘They’re gone.’

‘H-How?!’, I exclaim surprised.

‘I killed them’, Saaresto replies. I’m shocked. ‘B-But they w-were your b-brothers!’

‘They were bad, Jani. Bad people don’t deserve to live. That’s why the Director’s dead too. He did bad things. He abused you! You’ll understand it sooner or later.’

The mention of Father shuts me up.

We continue our scavenging. I reclaim some of my old throwing knives that survived the fire.

 ‘Jani! Come have a look!’, Saaresto shouts at me.

I run over to a structure that looks like it used to be a trailer. The other Freak’s inside. Once I join him, he seems to hold a big box.

 ‘It’s a safe. Olli’s safe to be exactly! Let’s return it to him!’, Saaresto says excited.

 

\--

 

Once we’re back with the others, Olli gives it a look.

‘I knew it would be a good plan to store the diaries in safer place together with some money!’, he mutters. ‘I can’t believe it actual survived the flames.’

 ‘And I can’t believe you rescued those cursed books’, Jaska exclaims with a huff.

‘M-My drawings!’, I joyfully comment.

 ‘Well, I actually thought about burning the diaries. Not to hide the evidence but to give it a poetic end. I know, it sounds crazy’, Olli slightly chuckles.

 ‘After you lived long enough in this circus, you’ll see stranger things’, Saaresto snickers.

 

‘S-So is th-this really the e-end?’, I ask confused.

Markus pats me on the shoulder and nods. ‘I guess so. The story of our life in the Circus has come to an end. May we be greeted by a brighter future!’

 ‘B-But how?’, I stammer, slightly afraid. Until now,

I’ve always relied on the strict schedules of the Circus.  Sleep, eat, practice, show, sleep and repeat. From time to time I liked to roam around the Circus without anyone’s permission.

I’ll miss the times I got to sneak around with Jari and show him all the special and wonderful places my home had to offer.

 

‘Well, we could start with putting that thing off of you’, Markus states as he turns to me.

What does he mean?

He places his loving hands on my shoulders and makes me look up.

 ‘This thing here’, he gently pokes my collar.

‘Wh-why? D-d-does it make m-me look f-fat?’, that question’s actually something I heard a lot from the Normal Females.

My friends have to laugh but then Markus shakes his head.

 ‘No. That’s not the reason. To me, this thing means you’re owned by someone. And I don’t like the sound of it. No one owns you. You’re no longer the Director’s pet anymore. You are your own man, Jani.’

 And so the collar with spikes get removed from my neck. It reveals some scars and Markus gently brushes over it.

 ‘So, you’re officially free now’, he grins.

‘T-Thank you, M-Markus!’, I smile.


	29. Markus

We are reunited at last. Jaska, Jani, Olli, Marko, Jari and me. I never deemed it possible.

I even started to lose the tiny amount of hope I got after I got taken away for this so-called “interrogation”.

That night and the nights that followed must’ve been the most horrible ones in my life if not for my “beginning years” at the Circus.

I’ve lost my hope many times. It’s too fragile.

Hope’s very difficult to build and to hold onto. And it’s so easy to break it until it’s almost beyond repair.

But life has blessed me now. It has finally showed me the good side of life. We’re all free now.

I don’t exactly know what to do next, though. I hope we’ll stick together a bit longer before we really part ways.

 

I guess everyone will eventually go their own way. I can’t expect them to stay with me forever.

 

Now that we’re standing on the edge of change, I have some time to reflect.

 

\--

 

The year 1977 must’ve been a terrible year for wine because that’s the year I was born into the Circus to a horrible man. That man was the Director.

I wonder if I have ever called him father or dad or something alike for he did not see me as his son. He saw me as a nuisance. I was a nobody to him.

So he couldn’t care less when I became one of the Freaks. In fact, he could profit from it.

 

I wonder if that’s the reason I became some kind of leader to the other Freaks.  Because I was one of the first Freaks of the Circus.

 

I must’ve been one of the oldest and longest survivors in the Circus. I remember the first Freaks.

Most of them were older than me: back in the day while I was still a kid.

I had to endure bullying from time to time but I slowly started to stand up for myself. I made sure I wasn’t left unheard or unseen.

It was a difficult climb to the top because I didn’t want to use violence to show my “power”. I tried to reason, talk and understand.

For a short period of time, that wasn’t the best method. Leaders came and leaders went among the Freaks.

But my “method” surely showed the fruits of my labour in the long run.

Most Freaks saw a more stable leader in me. I think they were tired of the “tyrant” leader since you had the Director and the Normal Ones for that already.

And in me, they must’ve found their perfect leader.

 

Being the leader of a bunch of damaged people isn’t simple.

 

I looked after the rookies. I tried to make it easier for them to adapt to the harsh “circus life”. Sometimes I had to cradle newbies to sleep. But it weren’t only rookies who needed physical affection.

Many times I’ve sit in my cage with three or even more Freaks curled up to me.

 

The Freaks didn’t need much. A simple smile can make their day. A mere reassuring touch on their shoulders to lift up their spirits. A firm handshake. Someone else sharing the few food they have already.

Jaska or me telling stories to the kids while Crazy Jani tried to re-enact the story on the spot.

Every night I tried to encourage everyone. Told them I loved them and cared about them.

I promised them everything would be alright. It must’ve been the most beautiful lie for them.

 

But sometimes it got so difficult for me because I carried a lot of emotional weight with me.

I had to remain strong for the others.

But I wasn’t always strong. Sometimes I felt like I could sit in a corner and cry for hours without stopping. There were times _I_ was the one who needed comfort.

Luckily there were a few Freaks who told _me_ everything would be alright.

Such Freaks were the “infamous” Wolfman and Crazy Jani. They’ve become my best friends.

 

We’ve supported each other so much and I wonder if I would still be here if it wasn’t for them.

In my desperate times Jaska would be the one to hug me and it made me feel a tad safer in his arms.

Jani has been a special one but I love him nonetheless. His childish naivety could provide me refreshing perspectives on life. He always seemed to be such an optimistic guy despite what he has actually been through. Because behind those captivating eyes must lay a suppressed sadness. I’m sure of it.

 I’ve seen his scars.

I must say, playing make-believe and looking at the stars with him was such a relief, such a dazzling escape from the unforgiving reality we lived in.

I think calling them my “friends” is a huge understatement. They’re so much more than that.

 

I hope Jaska and Jani and I will walk the same path from now on as well. But once again, I can’t force them to.

But something tells me Jani can’t be on his own. Not yet. The guy needs a plan, a schedule, _someone_ to follow or he will be lost and I don’t want to see him fall apart in this brave new world.

 

\--

 

‘I’ll be honest with you guys’, I clear my throat. ‘This new life will be difficult too. We probably have to “fight” once more. For a better home and for the acceptance of others. The fact that we’re still freaks to most people, will give us unwanted attention. But we can stand it. I believe we can make it another day. At the moment, it might be better if we stick together once more.’

 ‘I-, I don’t mind if we stay together’, Jari mutters.

Jani nods heavily and now wraps himself around my leg.

 ‘I-I’d like t-to stay w-with you f-forever, M-Markus!’

‘Same’, Jaska says.

‘I think the choice is easy to make then’, Olli chuckles and Marko agrees.


	30. Marko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With his brothers gone, Marko can think about it without someone interrupting his thoughts.

My face is still sore. I think I’ll have to find a doctor. I can’t process _how_ I managed to mutilate my own body like that! It still feels so surreal to me.

Together with the fact that I’m thinking completely for myself now. There are no brothers, no voices in my head and I would almost say it gives me a headache.

 

Now I’ll have to get used to a less heavy head and life with only one eye.

When I stared into the puddle, I was afraid to see Hamartia’s hateful burning eye looking into the water but I saw nothing. Emptiness.

 

My one eye rests now on the son of the Director: Olli.

‘How are you feeling?’, he asks me.

‘Doing fine, I guess. Gosh, it’s so silent now. How about _your_ voices? You used to tell me you hear voices in your head as well.’

Olli shrugs his shoulders. ‘I think they’ll never leave me. I heard the Freaks screaming, begging for their lives, crying. Sometimes I swear I hear them whisper to me in my dreams.’

We decide to sit down in the grass and I embrace him carefully.

 I don’t know what else to say.

 

\--

 

I don’t remember all my conversations with Olli but I know the ones we had were always meaningful and enjoyable.

I was the only Freak not located in the Freak barracks. It made it easier for Olli to reach me. And I always eagerly awaited his visits.

 

I wonder if there must’ve been times where I “passed out” or was “put to sleep” by Hamartia so he could talk to Olli in private without me able to stop him.

This whole uncertainty in general, still frightens me. What has Hamartia done while I was “not there”? How much do I _not_ remember because of it?

Maybe I should even worry about Jeremiah’s actions. After he snapped during the fire, I wonder if he ever did something behind my back.

I mean, Jeremiah might’ve been the better brother but no one is truly holy.

Everyone has their flaws and I had and have many.

 

Hamartia was one of my “flaws”.

He took joy in toying with people’s feelings. He even played with J and mine.

He couldn’t care less who might got hurt in the process. As long as he, himself, wouldn’t get harmed, everything was fine for H.

Hamartia obviously had a short fuse. I was always afraid someone would insult me and he would lash out at that person.

That was a strange fact of H: his “protectiveness” over his brothers. Even though we were more arguing and fighting each other, he wasn’t too fond of _other_ people insulting me or Jeremiah.

He probably thought: if Marko or Jeremiah get physically hurt, I get hurt too. Can’t let that happen to me!

 

 ‘Don’t let them walk over you, you idiot! Speak up! Do something!’

‘Oh, and what about the times _you_ insult _us_?’

 ‘That’s because I’m your brother, Marky! I’m allowed to do that!’

 

Hamartia must’ve been the most optimistic of the three. He was always planning how to escape the Circus. It involved murder most of the time. A darn massacre is what H had in mind.

Next to that, he was so strong. I don’t know where Hamartia got that strength from. It must’ve been his bottled-up anger and hate. His seemingly never-ending hatred toward the world, its people and us.

Probably _us_ the most.

For we were the reason he wasn’t free. He was trapped in _my_ body. So to have a slight taste of freedom, he tried to take control of me and my body. He even tried to consume my thoughts until my head would be full of his only.

Yes, Hamartia was a persistent man. Darn guy wouldn’t rest until he got what he wanted.

Too bad that what H wanted, was everything.

 

Jeremiah was the second flaw. He was somehow a perfectionist. The times we actually had to do tricks that wasn’t just me talking with my brothers in front of hundreds of people, Jeremiah took the lead.

He wanted everything to be perfect.

He tried to come between Hamartia and I when things started to escalate. He really tried to keep the peace between us. But all those failed attempts must’ve taken its toll on Jeremiah’s own sanity.

I actually feel a bit sorry for killing him.

Most of the time, he was kind to me. He also gave me _useful_ advice. He made sure there was some balance in my head.

 

And the last flaw is myself.

I’ve been torn between my brothers so much, I felt like I lost my own identity.

Often did I not know who I truly was. My brothers were so present, it made me think I didn’t have any opinions or feelings.

Where did I stand in this whole scenario? How did _I_ fit into the bigger picture?

Who is Marko Saaresto? What does he like? What are his hopes and dreams? Does he have any ambitions?

Now that I’m finally free of my brothers, I don’t know if I can already answer those questions.

 

Can I blame some of the actions on my brothers? Shouldn’t I have controlled our, _my_ body better?

What if I’m really _that_ mad and I just made up my brothers? So what if _I_ abused _them_ to have an excuse for my own horrific deeds? Maybe I just wanted to hide my own perverted and twisted thoughts behind the man I started calling Hamartia?

In the end I can only guess and regret. There are plenty of “what if’s” and “could’ve beens” but none of them matter anymore. None of these doubts will further my cause.

Still, I have so many questions left regarding my brothers. Maybe I’ll never find all the answers.

But for now, I should be glad with my inner peace and I should think about the future that lays ahead of us all.


	31. Olli

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are the thoughts of the son of the Director?

Everything I hated, everything I was against. It’s gone now. The man I despised went down with the flames as well.

And it was me who’s responsible for this. _I_ picked up that dynamite. _I_ planted it in the Circus and its surroundings. _I_ pushed the button to make it all explode. _I_ planned this beforehand.

 _I_ destroyed my own legacy.

But I _didn’t_ have the guts to kill my own father. Jaska did it for me and I think I should be grateful for that. I don’t think I would ever be able to live with the fact that my father died by my own hands, even though I secretly wanted to kill him. But when the moment was there, I couldn’t.

 I’ve never killed a person or animal in my life up until now.

Frank was my first and last victim. It will probably haunt me forever. How was I able to do that? I can hardly believe I’m capable of taking a life like that: in cold blood.

Did I get intimidated by Hamartia’s presence? After all he was with me when I pulled the trigger.

Or was it all the anger and disgust I felt towards this wretched Circus?

 

This Circus gives me contrasting feelings.

 

\--

 

When I was still a young kid of six I only saw the beautiful things. I didn’t get to see the Odd Ones yet.

My eyes only paid attention to the wonderful performers during the normal shows.

With my mouth open I gawked at the people swinging around on the flying trapezes which hung on threatening heights.

My eyes almost got blinded by the vibrant, fairy tale like costumes the performers wore with proud.

Every time the men juggling with swords got onstage, I clutched my chest for it looked so dangerous to me.

 I gasped when a performer would ride their unicycle on a thin thread high above the audience’s heads.

The countless hula hoops around the women’s bodies made me dizzy and lightheaded.

The fire-eaters blew me away with their courageous acts of “eating” a great amount of fire.

 As a kid I always loved the clowns. They made me laugh so much, my tummy would hurt and I would need to stop looking or I’d forget how to breathe properly.

 

After the shows and during the Normal Ones’ training sessions I would visit them. I tried to re-enact their tricks, their acts. I wanted to become like them.

I wanted to be a performer too.

The adults, of course, loved a curious little kid like me. I was the _son_ of the Director after all! Some performers taught me some small tricks and I indulged in the attention I got. I loved it and I hungrily consumed everything this wonderful Circus of my father had to offer.

I was so naive. I was living the perfect life or so I thought. While  in reality, I actually had a blindfold in front of my eyes.

I only saw the dreamlike world my father showed me.

That changed after he let me in on a secret: the Aftershows.

 

Everything changed for me after that. My father had hoped I would have the same vision as him.

He thought I would think of the “Freaks” as animals, beasts.

But I didn’t think like that. I didn’t see abominations, mistakes of mother Nature.

I saw living beings. I saw _people_. Hurt, mistreated people who deserved better.

 

My father saw an abomination, a mistake. In fact, a mistake he created himself.

What did I see? I looked past the layers of that heavily modified body that must’ve been the product of countless, unnecessary surgeries.

Underneath that coating, I found a man who must’ve been so hurt, has been changed so much you would barely recognize the person he used to be before everything turned to shit for him.

Underneath all those layers of stitches and scars, I found Markus, my brother.

 

My father saw a beast that should be tamed and muzzled.

I saw a wounded young man, nine years older than me, who had just been forcibly taken away from everything he was familiar with. He probably would never see his family again.

That young man was Jaska.

 

My father saw a lapdog, an obedient kid in the body of a grown male he could use for his own benefits.

He saw the perfect tool in that Freak. He didn’t foresee that lapdog was actually a human being with a mind on its own.

That small mistake spared my life. Because for the first time that lapdog, Jani is his real name, didn’t obey his “Father”. In the end Jani was yet another victim of the Director’s evil deeds.

 

My father saw new money when a young boy of sixteen gave himself over to the Circus.

He saw an idiot who walked right into the lion’s den.

Many years later I met that “idiot” for the first time. At first glance, I was a little bit scared of him, I must admit. His different personalities frightened me but I got used to that.

As time went on and I observed that “idiot” more, I finally started to understand how misunderstood Marko was and what a troubled mind he must’ve had.

 

Before my father died, he saw a new opportunity. The Circus didn’t profit as much as it used to and he needed new Freaks. He found the answer in a new guy.

He didn’t see a lot of potential in that young teen. He even thought about getting rid of him eventually but he needed the money desperately.

I saw a young teen who got dragged into this mess against his will. I saw the future potential and I wanted to spare his life. So I desperately begged my father to give him a chance, to spare Jari.

 

\--

 

What do I see now?

I see a new chances. New chances and risks we should definitely take. We have the courage for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random snellfact: most guards and Normal Ones called Olli always: the Son of the Director. He never was more to them than that.   
> They never saw Olli for who he truly was ;_;


	32. Jari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jari's sort of epilogue

 

We all stand observing the aftermath of the fire. Almost everything went up in flames.

We have lost a lot. Olli literally lost a part of his leg. Marko’s face has been mutilated beyond repair. Markus has a nasty looking scar on the back of his head. Jaska’s mouth still looks painfully swollen after he got rid of the stitches. Jani and I must’ve been the ones with the smallest damage.

And then there’s the baby. Regardless of the fire and the whole trip from the Circus to the woods, she made it without a darn scratch.

 I honestly didn’t think I would find a baby in the middle of the chaos.

It made me feel guilty after Markus got separated right after the discovery of that baby. I felt responsible. A part of that guilt is off my shoulders now that I know Markus has survived.

 I smile at the baby and cradle it in my arms.

It gives me some good memories of my home.

 

\--

 

I had four siblings of which three were older than me. My two sisters were younger than me. I remember the day they came into this world. One of the most blissful moments in my young life.

Even though my family was poor, I didn’t mind. We had each other and for an inexperienced youth like me that was all I needed.

I had my older brothers who looked after me. They played with me. They teased me and we had our argues like all siblings do.

Then it was my turn to look after my little sisters when my older brothers started to work on an early age. Because without extra income we surely wouldn’t make it.

Eventually my oldest brother left the house. He found a woman he married soon after. We never heard of him again. First he did send some letters but that stopped pretty quickly.

He has never been a favourite of my parents. I always felt bad for him and I don’t think I can hate him for leaving us, though. Maybe I should be glad he found a better life.

Anyway, after his departure, I really started to grow up. I had to work hard to earn a small coin.

But no matter what, I tried to stay optimistic.

Of course that optimism quickly left me after I got that horrible disease. I still don’t know what it is. At least I know it isn’t transmittable. 

 I cried a lot and the most horrible thing was that my family locked me up and started to ignore me.

Luckily my mother tried to check upon me every once in a while though even though father forbid her to do so.

 

Back, I thought that being locked up in my house was the worst thing that could happen to me. I was wrong. Very wrong.

I think I only realized what I missed after I got taken away that dreadful night.

 

My time in the Circus can be easily summarized: three years of painful endurance.

But I’ve learned a lot during my time here.

 

Of course I started to learn how to be the perfect knife throwing dummy of Crazy Jani.  I must admit, he never hurt me with one of those daggers.

This whole partner thing, taught me the true essence of mutual trust.  Jani always trusted in me and I had to trust him as well. Otherwise my situation could’ve ended up pretty badly.

After I started to trust more people, they trusted me as well and my communication with them went a lot better from there. It really helped me make some friends.

 

I have been Markus’ partner on a few occasions.

One time, I was his trapeze partner because his original co-worker got sick. It must’ve been one of the most breath-taking performances I’ve ever done. And I mean that in a negative way. So much could’ve gone wrong. The ropes could’ve snapped. I could’ve let Markus slip out of my unsteady hands by accident.

I never doubted Markus’ skills but mine were still on level “green”.

In that same time I got taught how to dance and so I ended up in a whole group of dance performers with Markus.

 

Most of the time I was an assistant of somebody else. Especially in the beginning.

Often did I help carrying the rings of fire for Jaska’s acts.

Behind the scenes, I had to prepare a lot of props and bring them onstage and take them away after an act ended.

In a few acts I got teamed up with Saaresto. He always freaked me out but I started to get used to his strange behaviour. As long as I played along, things didn’t go wrong.

There was only that one time where Hamartia got the upper hand of Saaresto’s body and he attacked me. Luckily for me there was Jani to save me from his sudden outrage.

 

Next to those performing skills, I had to help a lot in building the circus and moving it again.

The Freaks had to do the heaviest and riskiest jobs of course.

I learned how to build tents, got to know how to make knots and tie things up. I probably built a bit of muscle if it wasn’t for my weird skin disease.

 

Most of the time I had a monthly check-up by the docs who removed a part of the “mushrooms” from my body. It was a painful experience without anaesthesia.

They removed just enough tissue and scars so I could kind of use my hands and feet.

 

I learned how to deal with painful slurs that got thrown at me.

I learned to cope with the “audience” of the After-aftershows. I started to learn how to close myself off so I wouldn’t get too hurt.

But still, I could never get used to it.

 

\--

 

Even though I want to see my family again, I don’t know if I could live without these new friends.


	33. Crazy Epilogue

Jaska’s nervous. They finally tracked down his family. They’re still alive.

Somehow Olli asked old contacts and now Jaska, Jani, Markus and Jari are standing in front of a small house.

 ‘What should I say?’, Jaska mutters. ‘Do you think they’ll still recognize me?’

‘S-Sure! Y-you’re the o-only h-hairy man!’, Jani says.

‘Thank you, Jani’, Jaska sighs.

When Jari notices the trembling body of his friend, he takes his hand.

 ‘You can do this. We believe in you.’

‘We got your back’, Markus reassures his friend.

Then Jaska knocks on the door.

What feels like an eternity, is actually only a few seconds before the door opens.

A young woman stands in the door opening. She smiles with tears in her eyes.

Without hesitating she embraces the man in front of her.

 ‘Brother!’

‘Sister. It’s good to see you again.’

 

\--

 

Jari doesn’t find a proper cure for his disease but he _did_ find a good doctor who could help him to remove almost every scale on his pained body.

He does have to see the surgeon every now and then so the macules and papules won’t grow back.

 

‘Do you think I’m presentable this way?’, Jari asks his friends.

‘Y-you look g-great, Jari!’, Jani exclaims before hugging his younger friend.

‘Of course you’re presentable! Can’t call you Mushroom Head anymore and that saddens me’, Jaska jokes.

 

Jari feels a bit nauseous when he visits the slums he used to live in. How long has it been? Seven years?

The former Freaks get some strange looks from the inhabitants but they’ve experienced worse.

A man who looks a few years older than Jari approaches them.

‘C-Could it be you… Jari?’, the man hesitates.

‘T-Teppo?’, Jari stammers in disbelief. Now the man is joined by a younger woman. She immediately recognizes her brother.

 ‘Teppo, Emmi! You’re still here!’, Jari exclaims with tears in his eyes. ‘So… how are the others doing? How are mom and dad doing?’

 Emmi gives a sorrowful look. ‘How do I say this, Jari? Dad’s struck with guilt and mom… died of grief.’

A long silence follows.

 

After Jari has emotionally calmed down a bit, he takes the final step to their old home.

‘We’re so sorry, Jari. We’re a horrible family’, Teppo snivels in shame.

‘Hush, brother. I forgive you. I forgive all of you.’

Emmi hugs her brother again and murmurs: ‘You’ve become a true man, Jari!’

 Jari gives his sister a smile and says: ‘And you have become a wonderful woman, Emmi. I’m proud of you!’

Then he inhales deeply before he steps inside the small shack to greet his father.

He’s seen sitting at the table, hunched over.

 

‘A monthly budget? You must be kidding’, Jari’s father exclaims.

‘No way. We, _I_ gave you away. I don’t deserve this! I’m so ashamed’, the old man looks away.

 Jari takes his father’s hand and caresses it gently.

‘Don’t cry, father. Please, I want you to take the money. Our family _deserves_ it. I’m not earning money for nothing, you know?’

 The emotional moment gets interrupted by Jani who thinks he can actually eat a part of the wooden table.

 ‘Jani! You can’t eat everything like that!’

‘So… You met him in that… eh, Circus?’, Emmi chuckles as she joins the conversation.

 ‘Yeah’, Jari laughs.

 

\--

 

Olli pays for Marko and his surgery with the money he “inherited” from his father.

 

‘I can’t believe my father hid so much money, even from the Normal Ones!’, Olli mutters as they sit in their new bought flat apartment.

 Marko grins.

‘So… we’ve moved in. Now what? We can’t live on that money forever!’

Olli nods. ‘We’ll have to find a decent job. But there’s something I have in mind. It’s a _crazy_ plan but we should try it once we have a more stable salary.’

Marko peers at the younger man. ‘C’mon, reveal the plan! I want to know!’

It makes Olli laugh out loud. ‘Still persistent! All right, I want to start-’

He gets interrupted by some cries. Marko quickly runs to the kid’s little chair.

 He picks the little thing up and starts lull it in his arms.

‘Don’t cry, Hope. Everything is alright! Marko and Olli are here!’

‘Hope h-hungry’, the little one points at her mouth now.

Marko chuckles and prepares some food while Hope now patiently waits.

 

\--

 

‘Jani, please behave once we’re inside’, Markus grunts as they stand in front of the building.

‘I k-know!’.

Then the group steps inside the little bistro.

They get greeted by a very familiar face.

 ‘Ah, new customers!’, a blond man welcomes them.

 ‘Please, sit down! My partner in crime will take your orders!’, he says with a bright smile on his face.

Soon the waiter _and_ a young girl enter. She sits on the waiter’s shoulders.

The server’s face is heavily scarred.

 ‘Welcome to the _Crazy Coffee Cafeteria_ , how may I help you?’, the waiter grins.

‘Didn’t you have a better name, Marko?’, Jaska jokes as he crosses his arms.

‘Olli came up with it. It was _his_ plan after all’, Marko snorts.

‘Anyway, it’s amazing to see you three again’, Jaska admits.

‘Same goes to you, guys’, Olli chuckles.

 ‘So how’s Hope doing?’, Jari wants to know as he looks at the girl.

‘Uncle Jari! Mommy Jani! Uncle Jaska and uncle Markus!’, the little one gets put on the floor. She immediately runs towards Jani who then picks her up and carefully swings her around.

All men have to laugh at the endearing sight.

 

‘Looks like you guys got a steady income as well!’, Olli guesses.

‘Yep’, Jaska answers proudly.

‘Can’t believe everyone has a job’, Jari grins. He can still hardly understand how everything turned out well for them.

After some more chatting, Markus declares: ‘This café? What a crazy plan!’

 ‘Maybe it was, but crazy is in our blood, right? It defines who we are’, Olli replies with as smirk.

Marko shakes his head and counters: ‘Nope. We are not crazy. Everyone else is!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a softie >.<


End file.
